Back in skinny jeans

Putting it out there

Okay, yesterday I put out on this blog some of my dark past. It's one thing to talk about doing something vulnerable. It's a whole other thing to actually do it. I agree that some things should be kept private, but there is also something very refreshing about being open especially about the dark and secret places no one talks about. All the health professionals I have seen tell me it takes alot of courage to face the dark. They are right.

I've read tons and TONS of self help books, which should come as no surprise, and the one thing I notice that is common with most of these books is that when "patients" talk about there experiences, they talk about how they were in the beginning of their healing ie. I'm addicted to alcohol and bon bons, and then what their life is like after the healing ie "Wow, Dr. (insert famous author name) program really helped me. I am now sober, and a healthy weight." The thing that almost none of the books talk about is all the pain in the middle of the healing. With this blog, I will share some of the "middle" parts in my healing.

Those of you who have been through some major healing like surviving a major disease, getting divorced, the loss of a loved one, etc know that the hard part is actually the middle part. The part where you cry, get angry, rip off the bandages, and basically hurt.  In order to heal the wounds and get to well being, you have to go through and feel the pain.

If you are in the beginning stages of something major, please include Professional help, than I recommend that you experience your pain, and get it over with. If you don't do it now, you'll have to do it later. Either way, the pain will come out, so my philosophy and experience tells me that it is better to do it now rather than later. If you wait til later, it will be alot messier and alot more work. Most people get sick in the first place because they suppress their pain and keep it in. Over the years, what was not dealt with festers, grows, and eventually manifests in illness and emotional issues. Like I said, do what you have to do, but your life will be a much happier and healthier one if you get your pain out in the open and dealt with.

Why am I doing this blog

I think about all the crappy and hard things I have been through, and I wonder what good can come of these experiences. On a higher spiritual level, I know that everything we experience good and bad is supposed to be learning lessons that bring us to a higher level of growth and advancement. At the time though, it is really hard to see the gain because you are so focused on the pain. But now that I have lived a good three decades heading into my fourth, I see that everything I have gone through has brought me to a better place.

I have experienced many extremely dark places emotionally and physically. I know  addiction, depression, eating disorders, losing and gaining weight, suicide, physical assault, battle with perfection, discrimination based on gender and ethnicity, betrayal, climbing the corporate ladder, the brinks of bankruptcy, and not living up to my potential. Even as I write this, I am feeling uncomfortable. To put your faults online for others to read is a very vulnerable feeling. The ironic thing is that to meet me in person, you would never think that I had such fucked up things in my past. I can laugh about that now, but trust me it has taken years of healing to come to this point.

So, why would I subject myself to potential humiliation and judgment? I always wanted to do something where I could help other people, and I have looked at various ways to do that. I looked at volunteer work, working for a non-profit, writing a book, speaking at groups, and even trying out for reality shows related to change. I tried out for the show Starting Over, and actually made it to a third round to do an interview with a casting director. Quite thrilling. I realized the best initial way for me to help others was to write about my experiences, but I wasn't sure the best medium to do that.

A few months ago, I discovered blogging, and my world changed. This I believe is the way I can help other people. I have 5 blogs right now, 3 of which are specifically designed for revenue generation cause I have to eat and pay rent, the other two are more about who I am and how I can give back. Back in skinny jeans is specifically more about me sharing the trials and tribulations I have been through in my life, in hopes that other women can identify with me, and feel less alone. Many of us in the throngs of our pain, will retreat and hide literally and emotionally. The web is actually a great place to see what others are doing or feeling without any face to face contact. Going to a 12 step meeting or a women's group can be really intimidating. For me, I visited the parking lot of a 12 step meeting about a dozen times before I actually went into the meeting.

Typically, the people who come in and out of my life are those in transition. Either they are getting a divorce, breaking up with a boy or girl friend, changing careers, deciding to make lifestyle changes to get healthy, moving somewhere new, or anything related to changes in life. If you have found this blog, you are most likely wanting to end your pain and make changes to have a healthier and happier life. Just know that you are not alone. I hope the words in this blog will comfort and aid you.

Quote for the day: Men for women

The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.  ~Robert Graves

Any woman over the age of 30 absolutely knows this fact more than anyone. I know tons of wonderful women who are single and have been single for a long time. Whenever a great guy becomes available, he is without a woman for about 5 minutes. Good men get snatched up before you have time to put on your next coat of mascara. Why, because there are far more great women than good men.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am no man basher. I love men, and have great respect for them. But, let's face it, girls become women much sooner than boys become men. Just because you are in a bigger body with more hormones and money does not make you a man. Every woman knows a 40 year old guy with Peter Pan syndrome. How many women do you know who are 40 yet still think they are 25? They exist but in much lower quantities than men.

As soon as a man reaches a fine level of maturity, understanding, patience, and compassion, he is snatched up pronto. This is why women can get really competitive when it comes to good available men, and this is where the sprint to get back into the skinny jeans or the desperation to stay in the skinny jeans comes in. Guys are attracted by physical appearance, and so it would seem that the one with the midriff baring outfits and skinny butt is the one who gets the man. This of course is a powerful illusion we buy into.

Most men I know after the age of 35, say that looks are important in that you have to be physically attracted to the woman, but they have dated enough "beautiful" picture perfect type women to know that looks are not what makes for a caring, sustainable, healthy relationship for the long run. In fact, what's the  joy in being with someone who looks like a beauty queen but is so self absorbed and high maintenance.

To all those women who are still looking for Mr. Right, have faith. It may take you longer than you expected, but there is someone for everyone, and it is better to hold out for the good one, than to be with some guy just because you don't want to be alone.

Brazilian wax is in?

I was watching the news tonight, and a report came on about how the big trend now for 15-25 year old women is to be completely bare "down there." This one 22 year-old interviewed talked about how she goes to get her Brazilian wax every 3 weeks so that she can keep "it" clean. They interviewed some guys at a college campus and they talked about how they don't like hairy girls because they seem unclean. As well, laser hair removal for the genitals has skyrocketed because of this latest trend. Having hair on your genitals apparently has become gross to the under 25 generation.

I cannot fucking believe I am hearing this shit. It's bad enough that young girls already have issues with being overweight and conscious of their looks, NOW having hair on your privates is considered dirty. I can already see all these young girls developing yet another manic anxiety disorder around having hair where they should have hair. There is already enough stigma around sex itself, now we are saying that your genitals have to be completely bare in order for you to be clean? Ridiculous!

Let's also not forget, that this being bare down there, is also another attempt to keep women in a childlike, youthful state. A primary physical difference between adults and children is pubic hair, hair in the arm pits, and hair on the arms and legs. So guys can be hairy mother fuckers to be manly and sexy, yet a woman has any hair other than her head, and she is gross. This is just utterly fucked up and it makes me mad.

The whole bare down there is a really damaging trend that only encourages more body disorders. Pubic hair is natural, and it can be trimmed and maintained just like we do with the hair on our head. I really do pray that this bare down there is only a trend and not a life long mandate.

Ate too much, of course

It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm recuperating from yesterday's feast. Yes, I like many people around the good old US, ate way too much yesterday, and did suffer the full effects of the Tryptophan low.

Thanksgiving is another one of those love/hate holidays for me. I LOVE being with family, bonding, and of course the eating. I HATE all the eating because there is soooo much to eat, and in my parents house like good Filipinos, there is massive amounts of food in the house. Mom & Dad typically cook enough food to feed 12 people when there are only 5 scheduled to show up. Besides all the Thanksgiving food, there is also the general repertoire of every day food. It is a house of food abundance and love, but it is not a good environment if you are trying to get back into or stay in your skinny jeans.

Yesterday, I wore baggy jeans made of stretch material. When the jean makers started adding spandex to the denim mix, I was just over the moon. I think every woman in the world was over the moon and stars. Now, we can wear jeans and have it expand with our level of bloatedness. The feeling you have a noose around your waist when you eat one too many bon bons is now gone. Bye Bye can't breathe, feel my head explode, constricting jeans. We get the elastic waistband without it looking like we're wearing fat pants.

From our family to yours

Thanksgiving coming...what to do

Tis the season to eat and eat and eat. It starts with Halloween, and now we move onto Thanksgiving. In general, I love the holidays primarily because the year is coming to an end, and everything is about celebration. I am fortunate in that I have good relationships with my family, and I am now in a healthy, happy relationship with a wonderfu guy.

Now mind you, the holidays were not always fun for me. New Years tended to be the hardest for me because between the ages of 23 and 36, I have never had anyone to kiss at midnight.

It's like we never leave high school

I am now in my late 30's, and as I look back over the years, it becomes apparent that in many cases we never leave high school. A perfect example is work. How many times have you been in a situation at work where everyone was acting like they did in high school. The only difference is that we are now older and should know better, but some of us just can't move beyond the clicks and pettiness.

For me, a high school behavior I have trouble moving beyond is the quest to be back in the skinny jeans. Although I did not plan on my friends being hostile to me for losing weight, I did enjoy the power of being a pretty girl. It is a whole other world when you are one of the beautiful people. All of a sudden, people find you more interesting, your social calendar fills up faster, and people just want to hang out with you. It's like if I can hang out with the gorgeous folks, perhaps some of it will spread on to me. Sounds silly, almost pathetic, but admittedly, there is something magnetic about wanting to be around beauty.

When I was 23 and in the middle of back in skinny jeans time #2, I was with a group of friends and we were playing a drinking game where we had to have the players guess something that we had done. If they guessed wrong, they had to drink a shot. In this particular game, when one of my times came up, I decided to have the players guess what I was NOT. I used high school.

"Okay, in high school, I was NOT one of these things: a homecoming attendant, a member of the math & science club, a cheerleader, or a Letterman in tennis." This was a hard one for everyone. The obvious answer seemed to be a member of the math & science club, but because it was so obvious, it couldn't be the answer. Then, it seemed like the homecoming and cheerleader choice couldn't be a choice either because I am pretty and outgoing, so of course I had to be one of those. Therefore, everyone decided that I had not lettered in tennis. Back then, pro tennis players were not hotties like they are today, in fact they were kind of on the masculine side.

Everyone was wrong. Drink your shot. I was never a cheerleader. I probably could have been, but I did not think I was good looking enough. Obviously I was wrong because junior year I was nominated for homecoming. That was a shocker. A dream come true, but a total shocker still. Only the beautiful and popular kids get nominated for homecoming. Unless maybe you are Carrie. (The horror movie not Bradshaw from Sex in the City.) But, in my school, no one was that cruel.

One thing from high school I really wish I could have back is my metabolism. Losing weight was so easy back then because your metabolism is naturally high. Dropping weight now is hard work. Let's be honest. No matter though, the work is sweaty, but off to kickboxing we go.

Three times a skinny lady, Part Deux

At the conclusion of my sophomore year in high school, I decided that I had enough of being a fatty. I was 16, and I was the fat friend of the popular girls. Every group of pretty, popular girls has to have the token unattractive girl in their group because it makes them feel better about themselves. In return the unattractive girl, gets the honors of being associated with the in crowd.

Although I was a fatty, I was of course an honors student, involved in student government, involved in the math & science club, and played tennis, and sometimes softball. The one cool activity I did snag was taking stats for the boys varsity basketball team. I got to go to all the games, including the play offs, and hang out with the basketball cuties. They never noticed me except when they wanted to know their stats for the game. But, I was okay with that because again, I got to hang out in the popular circle. However, I decided that I wanted to spend my junior year not being the fat girl any more.

I spent the next three months over summer vacation working out, and dieting. Every moment of every day, I spent getting skinny. At the end of the summer, I lost 18 pounds, and was pretty. Mom had to buy a new wardrobe not just because it was the beginning of the school year, but because everything I had fell off me. I took advantage and bought clothes that showed off my figure more. Back then we didn't have any of the belly baring stuff, but we did have close fitting duds. I bought whatever my Mom would let me.

I couldn't sleep at all the night before the first day of school. The first day of school was aways an exciting day for me, but this one in particular was going to be big because it was going to be my "coming out." I remember walking onto campus, and once upon a time when boys used to just walk past me without even noticing I was alive, now I had the boys turning their heads. Man, what a powerful and exhilarating feeling that was. I can still remember it.

The joy of being skinny and finally getting to be one of the pretty girls was not to last very long though. Not only did I change they way I looked, I changed the dynamic of my social standing at school. With my group of popular girlfriends, I was no longer the ugly one. I blossomed and became one of the good looking ones just like them. No one prepared me for the hostility I was about to encounter. I thought my friends would be happy that they didn't have an ugly girl hanging around any more. What I learned was that my role was not to be an equal but to be an ego boost for them. My entrance card to the cool club was based on being less than the others. Once I changed that dynamic, the rules changed, and now I was a threat, and their competition. I was 16, and all I wanted was to be loved and accepted.

By the end of my senior year, I gained back all the weight I lost because it was safer having the layers of fat. I was back to my "role" and life was easier, although not happier. Again, I dreamed of the day when I could wear those skinny jeans.

Three times a skinny lady

Your once..twice..three times a skinny lady..and I L-uuuu-v you. I've made the journey back in to the skinny jeans three times in my life. From day one, I have struggled with my weight. It's been up. It's been down. It's been all around. When I say skinny, I am not talking anorexic skinny. I am talking healthy thin. I use the word skinny because it's a powerfully descriptive word. For me, my skinny jeans are a size 8. In the modeling world and Hollywood, a size 8 is even considered huge. Being a size 4 when you are 5'10" is just really ridiculous. If I were a size 4, people would start calling me bamboo pole.

I'm 5'7" and at one time I did get into a size 6/7 and weighed 128. When I was that weight, I did not feel physically well at all. My bones were sticking out everywhere, and it was painful without any cushion. Ironically though, I may have felt sick, but I had people ask me all the time if I was a model. I was 23 at the time, and let me tell you, it's euphoric when you've been fat all your life, and then all of a sudden people think that you model Calvin Kleins. This period was actually the second time I was skinny.

The first time back to skinny jeans was in high school. From birth to second grade, I was a very cute, slim, out going child. Then all the moving around we had to do because my Dad was in the military finally caught up to me. We moved from Alaska to the San Francisco Bay Area, and my life was never the same. I became more reclusive and a fatty. I stayed a fatty until the summer after 10th grade.