I think about all the crappy and hard things I have been through, and I wonder what good can come of these experiences. On a higher spiritual level, I know that everything we experience good and bad is supposed to be learning lessons that bring us to a higher level of growth and advancement. At the time though, it is really hard to see the gain because you are so focused on the pain. But now that I have lived a good three decades heading into my fourth, I see that everything I have gone through has brought me to a better place.
I have experienced many extremely dark places emotionally and physically. I know addiction, depression, eating disorders, losing and gaining weight, suicide, physical assault, battle with perfection, discrimination based on gender and ethnicity, betrayal, climbing the corporate ladder, the brinks of bankruptcy, and not living up to my potential. Even as I write this, I am feeling uncomfortable. To put your faults online for others to read is a very vulnerable feeling. The ironic thing is that to meet me in person, you would never think that I had such fucked up things in my past. I can laugh about that now, but trust me it has taken years of healing to come to this point.
So, why would I subject myself to potential humiliation and judgment? I always wanted to do something where I could help other people, and I have looked at various ways to do that. I looked at volunteer work, working for a non-profit, writing a book, speaking at groups, and even trying out for reality shows related to change. I tried out for the show Starting Over, and actually made it to a third round to do an interview with a casting director. Quite thrilling. I realized the best initial way for me to help others was to write about my experiences, but I wasn't sure the best medium to do that.
A few months ago, I discovered blogging, and my world changed. This I believe is the way I can help other people. I have 5 blogs right now, 3 of which are specifically designed for revenue generation cause I have to eat and pay rent, the other two are more about who I am and how I can give back. Back in skinny jeans is specifically more about me sharing the trials and tribulations I have been through in my life, in hopes that other women can identify with me, and feel less alone. Many of us in the throngs of our pain, will retreat and hide literally and emotionally. The web is actually a great place to see what others are doing or feeling without any face to face contact. Going to a 12 step meeting or a women's group can be really intimidating. For me, I visited the parking lot of a 12 step meeting about a dozen times before I actually went into the meeting.
Typically, the people who come in and out of my life are those in transition. Either they are getting a divorce, breaking up with a boy or girl friend, changing careers, deciding to make lifestyle changes to get healthy, moving somewhere new, or anything related to changes in life. If you have found this blog, you are most likely wanting to end your pain and make changes to have a healthier and happier life. Just know that you are not alone. I hope the words in this blog will comfort and aid you.
