The first thing I had to do in my journey back to my true self was to kill my present self, not literally, metaphorically. One thing I am working on is patience. Being impatient can be helpful in the business world, but it is a horrible quality to cope with when healing. If you break a leg, you can’t hurry up the process. The leg heals in its own time. Nature has its own time clock.
Typically, I am the type of person who has to have a plan before I begin anything. In business, I always have some kind of solid plan with strategies, numbers, pictures, and plan Bs. I am the queen of plan B, and that has helped me get promoted faster than others. In my personal life, the plans are looser. I will have a basic idea of what I want to accomplish, and then I figure things out along the way.
When I decided to get the real Stephanie back, I had no plan, and I wanted it to happen right away. At the time, I just knew that I had a hunk of money from my stock options, and that I could financially do whatever I wanted to and not worry about food and shelter. So, the first thing I did to kill the present Stephanie was to quit my high profile marketing job, at a flourishing Silicon Valley start-up that was no longer a small company but a $Billion success story. I still had one more year to vest in my pre-IPO options, which equated to a large some of money, but I did not care. There was no way I could spend one more day in that place. I was so clear in getting back to my true self that parts of her were already starting to kick in. The first sign was realizing that I could not heal properly and live this image I created at this company. There would be too much mess and honesty, and you weren’t allowed to be imperfect in this company because everyone was “world-class talent.” I hate PR bullshit.
The slow painful death of my soul was not worth staying one more year to get the money. Many people can do it, but I am not one of those. I have seen people chose money over their lives, and watched it destroy themselves and their families. A lot of people in my company were rich monetarily, but poor spiritually and emotionally. They had cash but their significant others left them, their children didn’t know who they were any more, or their health was deteriorating. They betrayed those who had helped them in order to climb their way up. They cheated and lied to get what they needed to succeed, and mostly they became arrogant, so smug. Arrogance is so ugly, and I was no different. I got to experience my own arrogance. Not a pretty site at all. Most people, because of the on going stress, aged about 10 years in a 3-year period, gained lots of weight, got deeper worry lines on their face, and overall just looked lifeless. But hey, you’re loaded, so you can buy your youth back with some nip/tuck.
When I gave my notice, I was calm. There was no hate, fear, love or relief. There was just calm. This was actually the first time in my life I had left a job calm. I also did not take much from my cubicle. Usually, I am very sentimental, and take things just because there is some emotional tie. This time I took 2 small boxes, and filled my backpack, and that was it. In the boxes were primarily clothes and personal items I used for all-niters. I walked out those doors for the last time, and didn’t even look back when I drove away. Part 1 was complete. I killed my corporate self.
