Bulimia is challenging to detect in women because it is easy to hide. When you're anorexic, everyone know because you are stick thin, and even baggy clothes cannot hide that fact. But, Bulimia is easy to hide. In fact, most bulimics are slightly thin to about 15 pounds overweight, attractive, and overall do-goodies who are successful in career and life. At least, to the outside world. Many of these women are Ms. Perfectionists, so part of the whole package is to create a picture or close to perfect picture example of a flourishing life. Most times family members and friends are surprised to hear the news because "Jane" always seemed like a good girl who had it all together. Remember when Princess Diana announced she suffered from bulimia. My mom was surprised. I wasn't. When you do it yourself, especially as you get seasoned, you get real good at spotting the others who do it too.
The thing about eating disorders is that you are a prisoner in a jail you created. Family, the media, the opposite sex, social pressures also contribute to the creation of the jail, but really the warden is yourself. Logically, you know that you can get out at any time with help, but when you're in it, it does not feel that way at all. In fact, as the issue worsens, you feel more trapped, and more alone. It feels as if there is a power much stronger than you that is in charge. The beast is powerful, and when you try to escape, and try to make your life better, healthier, it won't let you. It is incredibly hard to conceptualize that you have created this jail. But, to heal from it, the first thing you have to come to know is that you can be free from it. The stronger your belief, the closer to reality it comes.
The tormenting part of healing from bulimia for me was the realization that I am afraid of getting fat, and at the same time, afraid of getting thin. The first part makes sense, but the second part doesn't. How can you be afraid of being thin when all you've wanted your whole life was to be back in your skinny jeans?
