Last post, I wrote about a
writing exercise to help you begin letting go of your obsession with your
weight. This writing exercise is what I did when I began my journey to healing
the parts of me that were in pain. For me, it just wasn’t an obsession with
body image, but a whole gamut of things including self esteem, what’s my
purpose in life, self loathing, and perfectionism. At the time, I hated where
my life was, and I hated the destructive things I was doing to myself. I was
not on a good path, and many times before I made the, “I’ll start on Monday”
promise to change things. Many Mondays came and went, and I ended up not doing
anything because it always somehow came down to feeling like some BIG project.
By starting with writing, it was a small thing to do, yet very powerful. I
learned of this writing exercise from one of my healers.
The first time I did this
exercise I bawled and hurt. Initially I couldn’t even look at what I wrote, and
then I got pissed off to no end and ripped the paper up in a fury. Because
things were out of control in my life at the time, I did it as an exercise with
my therapist and with a women’s group that I joined. As much as I hated doing
this writing project in the beginning, it did play a significant part in
helping me heal. I would not be where I am today, happier, healthier, and freer
without it.
After the initial storm and
denial, I began to write all the time. I could not stop writing. Part of that
was because I have a tendency to bottle up everything, and now that I had
uncorked the bottle everything was pouring out like gushing soda from a dropped
can. I cursed and swore. I called many people idiotic, mother-fucking assholes, something I could never do out loud to their face. I lashed out at old
boyfriends, bosses, and friends who betrayed me. As I wrote and let stuff out,
new things I never knew existed came out. It’s like one big onion.
After a year, it came out
one day, that I hated God and really did not trust him. I felt like he had been
the ultimate betrayer in my life. This was a shocking revelation for me because
up until then I always thought I had only loving feelings toward God. Turns out the hatred was buried underneath blankets of fear. Fear that you will go straight to burning hell if you admit that you hate God. But by exploring those feelings and
facing them, the issues I had with “people” were really a reflection of my
distrust of God, and my anger at him for abandoning me when I needed him the
most. When I healed that pain with the big guy, my relationships with humans
took on a better tune especially in the dating area.
