I have never written about my neighbors before mainly because nothing blog-worthy happens around here, that is, until now. Last night, one of my neighbors officially became the shameless floozy of the complex. She was already pushing the limits with us, but last night sealed the deal. Really, it is so incredibly tasteless when you wake up people in the wee hours on a school night because you’re bumping uglies lustily on your porch with some knee high you just met at another neighbor's booze-fest.But then again, this story is so bad, it's funny.
Disclaimer here. I
personally was not awoken by said humping honeys because I can sleep through a
fire alarm, but my BF was. At first he thought he was still in the middle of a
nightmare dream, but he got up and went to the window and got the full orchestra
of fervid fallatio and lusty giddy-up-and-go’s. That is enough proof for my
judgmental, Catholic conclusions. As I said before, this broad was already
borderline for me.
I understand that a divorced
mother with multiple kids needs to get laid too, and I also understand her need
to not have her kids see her with some strange himbo in her boudoir, but why
inflict that sleaze on your neighbors. Your sweet neighbors who just want a
good night rest. At least take that wanton fornication to your minivan in the car
port. It’s dark there.
I actually met the humping
Tom Thumb. Yesterday around 7:30,
I was slumped on the couch waiting for my BF to get home from work, watching
believe it or not The Girls Next Door…for research purposes for this blog,
people. But, that is another story. Anyway, I hear a knock at the door,
thinking it was the BF because sometimes he does that when his hands are full.
I open the door, and standing before me was a manikin about 30-something
dressed like Opie Cunningham.
The shocked expression on
his face told me that he was not expecting to be greeted by an Amazonian, Asian
beaut, a foot taller than him. No, he was looking for Tacky Tami (the
neighbor’s fictious name for CYA purposes), a chain smoker with badly permed Auburn hair
and is a bit shorter than me, but still taller than Mini Me. Tacky Tami is on
the road hard side, but she does have a fetching physique considering she’s had
multiple pregnancies and is in her 40-somethings, so I can see why Get Shorty
wanted to get his freak on.
I told the midget that Tacky
Tami’s pad was over yonder. He said thanks and proceeded on his way. Had I
known his one-eyed snake was on a safari hunt, I would have punt kicked his Lilliputian
ass back to his horny shrimp cave.
My BF tells me about the fornication frenzy when he got home from work yesterday. I always knew that Tacky Tami was on the tasteless side, but eww! I will never be able to pass by her porch again and not think of a munchkin shagging trailer trash Dorothy.