Spin class: painful bootie, big hooters

I’ve been trying to find new ways to get some exercise. I’ve been a runner for 10 years but I have to ease up on the jogging because the knees are getting rickety. The elliptical is getting boring, and I really hate Stairmasters. So, I’m trying the bike. 

I remember a time when the stationary bike was a solo gig but now it seems that it has turned into a fancy fishbowl sport called SPIN. I refer to the fishbowl because Spin class is always held in a room that has all glass windows so that everyone outside the room can watch you like a goldfish. Some spinners even look like colorful fish because they are wearing bike gear like the Armstrong’s of the sport. Geez, even stationary biking is getting competitive and fashion forward. 

I went to a spin class thinking, “How hard can it be to sit on your ass and peddle?” I’ve run half marathons and there is no sitting allowed there. OH! I was so wrong. There is actually plenty of standing in Spin, and plenty of turning up the tension knob so that your legs feel like you’re trying to climb the Grand Canyon. And, that seat is so frackin’ small. I think they intentionally made the seat narrow so that your fat ass has to stand because you burn more fat standing than sitting. Does anyone have a crotch pad?

In my class, I was doubly distracted because the instructor, a very nice lady, had some serious bolt-ons. Skinny girls with Ds are for real fakies. Every time we had to do the stand part she would lean forward and her twins would scream HELLO! I could not help but look. I shouldn’t look, but Oh God! The ta-tas are so big, I cannot help but look. Okay, so I try not to stare. But geez! The gazoombas are pulling me into the cleavage. Stay away from the hooters. I repeat. Stay away from the hooters.  Lord, I just want to SPIN.