Leading an authentic life

At the beginning of this year, 2006, I made only one New Year’s resolution and that was to be authentic. What this meant was that I was going to be me, be truthful, and be real. There was to be no fibbing, no denial, no acting the way other people wanted me to be, no being the “good girl” because that is what would make other people happy. Being authentic meant I was also going to be able to get angry, express my true feelings, get messy, and make mistakes without punishing myself, feeling guilty, or feeling ashamed/embarrassed for my imperfect parts. This part, my friends, was a big deal for me, the recovering perfectionist. 

It’s taken my many years to fully get that there really is no big prize in being a “perfect” person. Really. Four years ago is when I began the process of de-perfectifying. I had been doing the perfect thing since pre-school, and I did all the right things, the ideal things, and there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There were just more rules, more expectations, and more busy-ness. Frankly, I found being perfect constant work, boring, inflexible, and un-warm. That’s one reason why people like rebels. Rebels are free spirits who have fun, get into trouble, and mostly do what is true to them. They don’t live by what is expected of them. They live by what they feel in their heart. I admire that. 

When you’re being perfect, there is no room for spontaneity, freedom, or growth. You can grow, but it’s really limited growth. You’re constantly worried about your flaws, and how much other people can see them. You avoid tension and mess at all costs. When you are working hard at being perfect, you really don’t take any big risks. You mostly stick to doing what you know you can win. You don’t venture out and try things where you just might look like an amateur or where you may fumble. You stretch only as far as your perfectionism will allow you. You also don’t really allow yourself to explore your own soul, your pains, and your dark side. 

Part of being authentic for me also meant cleaning up what I ate. I decided to cut out any foods with ingredients that sounded like it was created by a lab coat. Whole Foods Market made an enormous amount of money from me this year. I tried to do away with Diet Coke, but alas, I could not. That’s okay. We’re all allowed a vice. 

Being authentic also meant parting with friendships and relationships that no longer served my higher good. This was very tough to do because there are people you love to have fun with, but at the end of the day, you discover that the foundation of your relationship is built on sand or illusion. You discover that you can’t really be you and grow because it doesn’t fit with the unspoken rules that your relationship has in force. My group of friends dwindled to a handful, and it was quite lonely and sad in one sense. But on the other hand, the people I have in my life are true friends. I am making new friends, and because I am more of an authentic person myself, I find that these new relationships are soulful, enlightening, and healthy. 

I am looking forward to 2007. I feel it is going to be a break out year for myself, and many people I know. When making your New Year’s resolutions for 2007 consider adding “Be authentic” to your list. It’s going on my list again, and was one of the best things I did in 2006.

Comments

[em]

Hey girlie- I found your blog while looking for Rich Woman related links (Kim Kiyosaki)- I love your blog! I'm going to link to you and I look forward to seeing what all of us blogging fools do this next year! Cheers!

[kkonmymind]

Thank you for writing this - what you say is so very true. I've been working on being more authentic myself. It's a slow road back from perfectionism, but it is a much happier one.

Oh, and I can't give up Diet Coke, either. I tried, but it was a no-go. Oh well!

[Manola BBB]

SO beautiful!!!!! Thanks for sharing. Let's make AUTHENTIC "the new fashion trend" ... xo

[Talia]

Thanks for your blog. It's great to hear of other people struggling with things like, "being yourself" as well!

I've made a particular effort to do the same this past year, and it's really helped. A lot of soul searching was done as well mind you!

I hope to keep improving in the new year. It's great to know that we can always improve and change and be better people!

I was having some problems linking to my site: http://87purpleelephants.com
It said it was invalid, which isn't true. So I just put in my blog link. Enjoy.

[Emily]

You know, this year has been about being authentic for me too, but it has been an evolution rather than a resolution. Thanks for putting your journey into words- it's a nice reinforcer that I'm on the right track!

[katiebird]

Hi Stephanie,

You wrote, "Being authentic also meant parting with friendships and relationships that no longer served my higher good. This was very tough to do because there are people you love to have fun with, but at the end of the day, you discover that the foundation of your relationship is built on sand or illusion."

And that reminded me of an experience from many, many years ago. I had a friend at work who was very funny in a wicked way. He kept people laughing, but it was almost always at someone else's expense.

One day we were walking down the street laughing about something (or someone) and I said, "You are so funny -- you bring out the worst in me, but you are hilarious!"

And a bell went off in my head and from that moment I faded away from that friendship. I was too awkward and stupid to handle it gracefully and I've always felt bad about that. But, I've always felt right about the decision.

I couldn't let myself hang around someone who brought out the worst in me. The best in me is bad enough.

(am I coming out of my shell?)

[Stephanie Quilao]

Thanks all for sharing your insights. Deciding to be more authentic in life is a tough thing but well worth it. Emily said it best in that it is a process of evolution. I think the action to actually start the evolution and walk the talk, is the resolution in itself.

[deidre]

what a beautiful post! i'm now inspired to step up my own evolution and start being more truthful to myself; to start living more authentically. thank you for this gift of an idea!

[Heather Gallegos]

Being authentic has become my last vestage of achieving "grownuphood." Married, 34 and with three girls, I would have expected to feel grown up by now. But no..I still have old emotional protective habits where I match my companion rather than truely be myself. Thank you for your post and reminding us all that freedom and fulfillment comes only when we love ourselves...our authentic selves.

[Stephanie W.]

Brilliant thoughts... as I sit here in my pyjamas thinking of all the things I should be doing, your 'being authentic' may just allow me to continue to be indolent for the rest of the last day of 2006. Then tomorrow, I'll add it to my list of resolutions for the year.

[Maria Palma]

Right on! I believe that the more authentic you are, the happier you are ;)

Can you imagine if all of us were just a bit more authentic?

[rachel]

thank YOU for the quick swift where i needed it! cheers to being authentic! happy new year to you, rachel

[Priya Kumar]

Your thoughts on changing friendships as you became more authentic is so true. When the pull to authenticity becomes greater than the need to please, it is truly a beautiful moment. thanks for your authentic writing.

[FreeSEOAds]

Thanks for putting your journey into words- it's a nice reinforcer that I'm on the right track!
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