"OMG! I can't believe how fat I've gotten. Ugh! I'm so depressed. I can't look at these pictures anymore, get them away." Many of you know this scenario very well. You know you've been gaining weight so you've been avoiding having your picture taken like the plague because you don't want documentation of your weight gain, and most importantly, you really don't want to face the reality of just how much your girth has grown.
I had an OMG!-like reaction when I saw these pictures of myself taken on my birthday in April, two months ago. This time though, because I have gone through about 5 years of emotional healing work, I wasn't OMG! let the self loathing games begin. It was more like OMG! I'm bigger than what is healthy for me, but I'm still a lovable, wonderful, person. I am better at seperating my body weight from my self worth.
I weighed myself the next morning, which I hadn't done in a LONG time because well, you know, once you step on the scale, the weight gain becomes very real. I could not believe the number on the digital scale that slapped me in the face. The last time I weighed this much was back in college when I was 20.
Just to give you perspective. In these 2007 birthday pics, I am wearing a pair of size 13 Levis 504 Slouch Straight jeans and a size L Gap turtleneck, and I'm 5'7" tall. BMI wise I fall into the "Overweight" category and need to drop 15 pounds to land in the high end of the "Normal weight" category. Dropping 25 pounds will put me in the middle of the Normal range which is where my body feels good.
Now these pictures were taken on my birthday in 2002. I am wearing a pair of size 8 Guess jeans, which is one of the pairs of skinny jeans still sitting in my closet. Six months before these pictures were taken, I had just left my high stress corporate marketing job at NVIDIA. My first task was to get rid of all the weight I had gained during my last year and a half on the job which was about 18 pounds. I left with a bunch of pre-IPO stock so I had the luxury of money and time to get back in shape.
I was successful in my weight shedding endeavor, and got my hot skinny body back which you see here. Two months after this shot, I went to the We Care Holistic Spa in Palm Desert to detox celeb-style. Damon and Affleck have been to We Care, as well as many swimsuit models. At We Care, I dropped another 6 pounds in one week mostly from detoxing (which included fasting, no solid food the whole time), and having a majorly intense emotional release which resulted in my body letting go of about 4 pounds of crap, literal doo-doo crap in 36 hours through sitting on the toilet and 2 colonics. (more after the jump)
To note, the 4 pounds I lost in that 36 hours was an extraordinary event and not a common thing. It was because of the intense emotional release through a 2 hour breathe work session that my body let go of those 4 "pounds of pain." I'll talk more about this event later on. For now, I just want you to know that to have that kind of release in a short time is not some easy or quick fix. In fact, it was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever gone through, but very necessary in order for me to heal emotionally. It's kind of like having to re-break a bone because it wasn't set right the first time.
...Some people don't think diet pills are unhealthy, but in my eyes they are ...
I have been on the "gain weight and got back into my skinny jeans" cycle three times in my life before, so this time will make it the forth. More info on those times here and here. In the 3 previous cycles, twice I shed the weight in unhealthy ways, bulimia, diet pills, over exercising, anal rententive like calorie counting, and hurtful self talk like "You fat pig, you're nothing if you don't get thin again." Oh yeah, sometimes people motivate themselves back into thinness through self loathing. The third time I shed the weight which was these 2002 pictures, I did it in a mostly healthy way. The unhealthy thing I did use were the diet pills, and even then they did not really help melt the fat. Some people don't think diet pills are unhealthy, but in my eyes they are because 1. you never learn how to stay lean on your own. You can't stay on the pills forever, and 2. the cost of diet pills can eat a huge hole in your wallet and not give you the results you hoped for.
Food wise, the third time around, I did not "diet." Meaning, I did not eat "diet" labeled foods, go on any eat only grapefruits or cabbage for a week type of thing, nor did I label foods "good" or "bad," like bread is bad, fat is bad etc. Again, I'll get into more detail later about my food philosophy. Quickly, what I did do this time was to cut out or greatly minimize eating foods with trans fats, artificial sweetners and ingredients, and meats that were not free range or hormone free. I ate mostly organic, and got creative with seasoning. I also got tested for type 2 food allergies, as weight gain that just won't budge can also be a result of a food allergy.
In 2007, I am going to shed these extra 25 pounds in healthy, self loving ways. The theme is going to be "Shedding un-needed weight as an expression of self love." I have never done that before. Before, I lost weight in order to gain love, acceptance, and attention because I felt I needed outside stuff to feel better inside. I wanted to "matter" and I thought that the only way to achieve that was to be one of the thin, pretty girls. And yes, the media and magazines help perpetuate that ideology. Through experience, not once but three times, I learned that nothing outside will ever fill the hole inside. Love and forgiveness is really the only thing that can fill that emptiness and help you emotionally keep the extra pounds from coming back.
I welcome anyone to join me. It's much more fun and supportive when there are others. During the summer, I will post at least twice a week, maybe more, on what is going on in my weight shedding journey. And like I said in this post, not only will I share knowledge but I will do it with you ;-)