Matt and I broke up a few days ago after being/living together for 3 years. This is us on my birthday last April. That was a very happy day. Our anniversary was July 28. In the course of breaking up, I also found a new apartment and am in the process of moving out this week. So, there's been lots of big dramatic change. I'm not ready to call the new place home because home to me is still wherever Mattie and I are. I debated on whether or not to blog about this since it is such a personal topic and involves not just me. I want to respect Matt's privacy as well. But, after pondering it awhile I thought, actually, no, I will blog about this for 2 compelling reasons, and within certain parameters.
One, I talk so much about how vital is to monitor your emotions while trying to lose weight because it is my opinion that the number one reason people gain weight or stay overweight is because they have not dealt with the underlying emotional issues that compels them to use food as a way to not deal with what is going on emotionally in their life. Many use food to stuff feelings or create "pounds of protection". A break-up is amongst one of most the emotionally devastating things that can happen to someone to trigger food issues.
Since, I too am in the middle of trying to lose 25 pounds, I have no idea how this break-up will affect my weight loss journey, so why not share the experience which can also serve as blogatherapy for myself and others. I mentioned at the beginning of my journey to shed 25 pounds that I would go into the "middle" part of my success story. The middle part is the in-between start and success that you almost never see in those "weight loss success" stories. The middle is where people fall down, relapse, make mistakes, and basically live out the human experience of making a major life change.
Second, since I am on a serious emotional roller coaster going from "I'm okay" to "How am I supposed to live without my love", the only thing I can focus on writing about is what is going on at the moment. Honestly, right now, I could care less about too skinny models, the train wreck antics of Britney and Lohan, or lists of how to {fill in the blank}. I don't care about writing for SEO, link bait, or page views. And because this is my blog and I'm the boss, I can do whatever I feel like as it is giving me a sense of some kind of control since so many things are happening where I feel like I have no grip. So, I just want to be me this week in the raw. I've been experimenting lately with different themes on the blog like Healthy Food Week, and Guest Blogger Week, so this week will be Stephanie's personal life ala Dooce style.
As far as parameters go, I want to respect Matt's privacy, so I will
only focus on what is going on for me and how it relates to my weight
loss efforts, eating, and self esteem. Ironically, since all this
break-up stuff happened I have not been able to eat. I've been trying
to but for some reason, my body just doesn't want any food. However, I
have made myself eat because the body needs fuel so I've been eating
veggies and proteins. On the day of the actual break-up, excuse my
bluntness, I could not stop peeing and having diarrea. I dropped 3
pounds in two days. One pound of that was tears. In fact, I cried so
hard and so much 
throughout the day that I popped some blood vessels in
my right eye. Here it is. I never realized that you could cry so hard as to make your eye look like a Slasher film.
So, what happened?
Basically, we were at the 3-year point and I wanted to know where we were going. What woman isn't going to ask that question after being together for a long time? Without going into the dirty details, we obviously had different views of our relationship. This break-up was not nasty, because of cheating, other people, substance abuse, emotional abuse, "you suck the life out of me" or anything of the betraying nature that make most break-ups hell. This one was out of complete honesty. It was about being very honest about what we both wanted and needed. It was mature. So, this is what makes it really hard for me, ironically.
I want to hate Matt but I cannot. I want to call him vile names, make a VooDoo doll of him and stick pins in it, or cast some nasty perpetual ball itching spell on him, but I cannot. He's been a real gentleman about this and has been concerned about my well being. It's interesting how you can learn something about someone's character in a break up. This makes me love Matt even more which adds to the disappointment and sorrow. I should want to eat a whole tub of Hagen Dazs Dulce de Leche, but instead I lay on the couch in the fetal position hugging the red fussy blanket he got for me during our first Christmas together. Months prior to that Christmas, I told Matt how much I loved a certain type of soft blankie, and he remembered that and got it for me.
Mattie is the best kind of gift giver because he actually thinks about what would make the gift receiver feel loved and special. Everything Matt has ever given me had something to do with something emotionally important to me. One example was a statuette of a castle he gave me because I told him a story about how people are basically castle builders (visionary thinkers) or brick layers (task at hand thinkers). Matt gave me the castle to remind me that I am a castle builder and that I should never give up on my dream of creating my own company. And yeah ya'll, I balled like a love sick puppy when I got that present. These are the best gifts in the world, and this is the kind of person Matt is.
I'll stop for now because just writing that and looking at that castle here on my desk is making the tears roll down my face. I might end up popping the blood vessels in my other eye. More tomorrow.
