I know. I know. Whip me with a wet spaghetti noodle. I said I was trying to cut down from eating in the car, but yesterday, I caved. I woke up late, then got to the gym late, and well you know, everything else got late after that like lunch. I didn't get to eat lunch until 3:30pm which is almost early bird dinner with the blue hairs.
I got up late because well, I didn't feel like getting up. You know those days? Snuggling in the fetal position under a warm duvet sounded a lot better than going to the gym to workout, and then over to the cafe to blog. I've been feeling blue this week mainly because I'm coming to the cold reality that I really do not have much in common anymore with someone I was close to. And that's the other big thing, I don't feel like we're close anymore. So, here's a peek into why...
She's not too happy with me because I told her things she didn't want to hear, but I felt were necessary truths. Sometimes, well I should say, many times, people have a hard time with me because I tell things like it is. If you ask me what I think, I will tell you what I honestly see. Over the years I've gotten better at how I say my opinion so it comes out softer, but it will always be the honest hard truth, and it will always come from a place of wanting the best for the person I care for. I am fiercely protective of people I love, and often play the role of momma bear.
Some people like brutal honesty and some people can't handle the truth, as Jack Nicholson would say. But, again, who am I to judge how someone else chooses to live their life if it doesn't fit with my values. But, I cannot lie. I can fudge the truth a bit but I cannot say I like something when I don't. I can't say well maybe he'll change when all the proof points to something ugly. It is not in me to tell someone an untruth just because it's what they want to hear versus what they need to hear. For some reason, in this case, I'm finding it hard to even agree to disagree. Are we just going through a cold season, or is this where we get off the train and go on different paths?
I have lost friendships in the past because the person didn't like what I had to say, or that I said things that made them look at the truth which they really didn't want to see.You know sometimes it's easier to ditch a friend than to see the truth. It's not the most mature choice, but I get it. We've all been there. At times, I feel like I've been punished because of my honesty. But it could be too that I just need to get better at finding some happy medium and learn to love and keep my friend despite their life choices I don't agree with. By no means do I think I'm always right. I might come off seeming self righteous, but inside I really want what is best for people. My execution sometimes may not be the most savvy.
...Perhaps, the universe is destroying an old life and an old me so that a new me and a new life can take its place ...
Thinking about stuff like this would normally trigger me to go eat a bunch of food, but this time, I just didn't feel like eating. I couldn't even cry. I just felt melancholy. The last couple of weeks, I've fluctuated between feeling sad and angry, pissed that this person has become someone I don't know and at times someone I don't even like. Or perhaps, is it that I have changed a lot in the past year and I'm now a new person. Perhaps her reactions to me is that she doesn't like the person I've become. It's romantic to think that people can grow together over a lifetime, which it can cause I've seen it, but then there are times when people just grow, but grow apart.
I had to do some food shopping as well so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, and just get lunch at Whole Foods while I got what I needed. That's what I love about Whole Foods. You can eat instantly and shop. I was hungry when I got to the store and hooray for me there were sample bits everywhere so of course I partook, and had myself a mini little sample buffet to quash the hunger pangs rumbling in my tummy.
I did absolutely everything wrong yesterday in terms of food shopping and eating. I didn't eat anything til 3pm. I went to the grocery store famished, and so of course I wanted to eat everything like Cast Away Tom Hanks finally getting off the island with his volleyball. But, I was feeling like I just lost my best friend, and having lost a great deal in the last 6 months, I'm kind of tired of losing things. In the bigger picture, I know I'm gaining many things, and my life overall is pretty good. It's a bit disheveled, but I can see that this too shall pass.
Perhaps, the universe is destroying an old life and an old me so that a new me and a new life can take its place. It's kind of like the process a caterpillar has to go through to become a butterfly. When I think of my life in that context, then all the changes and loss I have gone through in the last 6 months make sense, and I can feel some peace.
In times of sadness, I also revert to cookies as comfort food. But yesterday, I did not buy any cookies. I always buy a cookie from the bakery when I go to WF, but this time I refrained. Instead, I got a few spoonfuls of some hot peach cobbler from their dessert bar. It's still something sweet, but this sweet was warm and reminded me of something grandma-type soothing. You know when granny bakes something, all the cares in the world disappear. "No, need to worry baby."
For lunch, I finally decided to eat some Chinese food; fried rice, sweet & sour chicken, and pork chow mein. Another thing that I love about Whole Foods is that I can get a mix of different Chinese foods to go in one small container. There is probably no more than a total of one cup of food in this little box. I wanted to eat in the tables at the front of the store but shockingly all the tables were full. Guess I wasn't the only late eater. But, no matter, I didn't really feel like sitting at a table by myself just to add onto the "alone" feeling I was already consumed with. Eating in the car was kind of like going back to the cocoon so to speak, so I sat in my car seat, and thought to take a picture of my lunch to share with all of you.