The real reason I left my career in tech

I’ve been wanting to publish this post for almost 2 years now but haven’t mainly because I hadn’t figured out how to communicate my story without sounding like a victim, a bitter shrew, or a resentful killjoy, all of which at various points since I left that career to be frankly honest, had been true.

I kept struggling with sharing my story not because I’m afraid that future employers would Google me and then not hire me. No, I’m more afraid of letting go of the ledge and trusting that I will land safely in the life work that I am really supposed to do. If I hang onto the pain of the past, I can use it as an excuse for not moving forward. (Can you hear Dr. Phil already?)The pain of the past is comforting not because I like it but because I know it. Who knows what’s out there in the future? It’s more comforting to be with the devil you know than the one you don’t, right?

But no more excuses. No more writing drafts and no more waiting for the right time to tell the story perfectly. I still don’t know how to write this with my normal panache but whatever. It has to be told because I’m tired of keeping it in, and it is like a ball and chain. I know too that besides helping myself heal it will help other people cope or deal with their own similar career struggles.

Before, I do go further, I want to pre-empt and emphasize that this story is my perspective of Silicon Valley based on my past, and I do make some generalizations. Not everyone is an asshole or sex crazed maniac. I've met some very nice people as well. Today, I'm really just doing inner de-cluttering of piles of rubbish that is taking up space leaving me no room for new happy stuff. So here it goes….

The real reason I left my marketing career in tech is because I got fed up with feeling like a sexual target every time I went to work, and especially at tradeshows and conferences where you add to the picture booze, partying, and “what happens on the road stays on the road” mentality. Since geeks like PowerPoint slides, here is a slide I did that illustrates just one example of how many times an attractive young woman working during one day or week at a technology tradeshow can get hit on, sexualized, and gawked at.

Try having to deal with this at various degrees for 10 years. You can quickly start to see how gaining those pounds of protection become an effective tool in warding off sexual advances and attention because guys are not as interested in the “fat girl” as they are the “hottie skinny girl.” That extra fat makes you almost invisible and the guys leave you alone.

After being raped by the co-worker boyfriend, I quickly gained 30 pounds because I didn’t want anyone to hit on me nor did I want to deal with anything sexual. Going to a new company only resulted in a nervous breakdown, or break through as I call it now. The worst part of that whole experience was not the assault itself but the fact that the company stood more by the guy’s side than mine because he was their multi-million dollar golden sales boy who everyone thought was Midas because he was so good at closing deals. I was more expendable than he was, and I was too afraid to fight for myself. 

I hated myself for not standing up for me, but I equally hated the company for choosing what was right for their greed versus what was the right thing to do. This was the culture of this particular company, and not all companies in tech would tolerate behavior like this. My example is an extreme case but unfortunately I’m not alone. It is by all means not common, but it is also not unheard of.

One of my theories as to why women stay away from the tech industry is that they don’t want to put themselves in situations that make them feel like sexual targets on a constant basis. If you want a glimpse as to the kind of hostility geek guys can have towards women, visit the comments section on any popular story on Digg like this one about a video where a guy punches some girl in the face after she rejects him for a date. The incident with Kathy Sierra was not an anomaly as women are often targets of antagonistic attacks online. And here's an example of what some guy wrote about the search engine Spock after their poor taste Victoria's Secret vs. Sports Illustrated swimsuit models search demo at a Web 2.0 conference:

"Spock is a great way to get laid. Seriousy. Just enter "slutty whore" and look at the results. You could bang any one of those skanks, especially my ex-wife."

Sound revolting to you on the outside of tech, but this kind of tone and speak happens all the time online in tech sites, blogs, and forums. The maliciousness and ill will on the women's sites/blogs/forums pales in comparison. So, how would you feel having to deal with this kind of offense in your job on a constant basis?

On the office front, it’s no fun being the only female working with a group of guys as if you were the first one allowed into the locker room or frat house. I had enough of egomaniacs who expected me to kiss up to their insecure male ego because they couldn’t stand a woman being smart, creative, and not afraid to tell them the truth versus what their pride wanted to hear. 

...I got tired of busting my ass and giving up my life to make other people richer...

I got tired of being treated like a bitch because I produced more results than my jealous male co-workers. I got fed up with people attacking my virtue by spreading rumors about me sleeping around when I spent most nights in my room crying myself to sleep. I didn’t want to hear one more, “It’s not personal, it’s business” when the management was going back on its word.

I also saw the writing on the wall. The opportunities for women over 40 years old in Silicon Valley dwindle dramatically. You have a better chance of getting into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans than you do of becoming a VP or C-level officer or getting your own startup dream funded.

Tech companies and VCs want people who are young because they are cheap,  they will give up their life for the job because they do not have the responsibility of kids & family, and they don’t have as many life conditions as older people do like limits on travel, flexible work hours, or wanting more to time to work at home. And nothing will stop your promotion track faster than letting it be known that you want to be a mom.

Lastly, I got tired of busting my ass and giving up my life to make other people richer while I got a paycheck and a “Good Job” paper certificate at the end of the year. I came up with ideas and produced results that helped some of the companies I worked for make millions of dollars, and while of course I got more responsibility to keep on doing what I was doing, I got peanuts financially compared to what others got.

I’m not saying I’m not grateful for the prosperity I did have, but it was nowhere close to being fair for the results I produced. And this is where the difference between those who want jobs and those who want to be entrepreneurs come in. People who want jobs want security. Entrepreneurs want wealth, not just in money but in doing work that has deep meaning and purpose for them, and that is what I want.

Exactly how I get there, I have to figure out, but I know a big step is continuing the process of letting go of the pain of the past, and letting go of the ledge trusting that everything will turn out just fine. Yeah, I have been through a lot of horrendous crap, but it's made me wiser, not perfect, just more reflective. I've already spent a good number of years working on my issues so I feel like I am coming to the final chapters. I do believe that anyone can have their happy ending if they can just find a way to trust the process. It has to be, don’t you think?

Comments

[charlotte]

Ah, Steph!! I am so sorry that this happened to you. But thank you for sharing your horrific experience with us - it seems to have definitely made you stronger (or rather you're stronger in spite of!). I had a similar experience working in tech but not as extreme as yours. The worst part of the harassment I encountered was the vast amount of porn & dirty jokes I was exposed to via my coworkers. And of course when i complained to management (who you would think would've wanted them to be, oh, productive at work) they told me to stop being so whiny. Blech.

[Diana the Scale Junkie]

Thank you for sharing your story Stephanie. What you described doesn't happen only in Silicon Valley, it happens in companies all over the country.

Honestly, I got fed up with feeling owned by the corporate world. My life is my own. I'd rather live life with a few less material things than sell my soul to pad their bottom line.

I'm not sure where my life will take me next but it won't be back into a job where I compromise my principles.

[Susanna]

Thank you for sharing your story. As a woman who's still working in tech, I find it interesting. I've been working in tech for the past 10 years, not in Silicon Valley, but at an internet consulting company and then in academia.

My experience was really different from yours, and now I'm wondering why. Was it geography? The fact that I worked with programmers/designers versus marketing/sales? Naivety and blind luck? I don't know.

Sometimes I can get carried away believing that there's less discrimination and sexism in the workplace than there is, just because I haven't personally experienced it. Thank you for reminding me that it's still out there, and we still need to shine a light on it if we want true equality for women in the tech workplace, or any workplace.

[Crabby McSlacker]

Wow, that's really awful--but thanks for sharing that.

I had thought Silicon Valley might actually be somehow more evolved when it came to the kind of vile behavior you describe, but I guess not.

It's funny--I grew up with the promise of feminism in the 60's, and somehow it's now supposed to be passe and laughable and embarrassing to call yourself a feminist. Or to even care anymore how women are treated. Yet there is still such a long way to go.

[Sarah]

Steph, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find healing in telling it.

Reading it made me so sad and, frankly, a bit hopeless re: men. I'm no man-hater, but with the Eliot Spitzer thing and now your story, it's hard to have hope that there are guys out there who are actually decent and don't want to screw around behind your back. It's been a rough week. [sigh]

[Leslie]

Hi Steph, I was actually introduced to your blog this weekend while visiting my fiance's family in San Francisco. His cousin Nathan (Nate) actually lives in your apartment complex and he's the one who told me about you (as he was telling me about all the interesting careers there are in SF as opposed to TX, where I live).

I think you are doing a great thing with this blog and I've really enjoyed reading it. Keep it up! :o)

[iC]

Steph,

Damn, my heart broke. I'm a tech male and try and hire female engineers. No wonder its such a struggle.

Clive

PS. I'm studying evolutionary biology - without making any excuse for being male. please consider reading "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature by Matt Ridley" URL linked

[Rene]

Wow. Everyday this is one of my very favorite sites and it's for blogs like this. Thank you for your honesty, but also for your continued optomistic, realistic and healthy way of looking at life and all that you have been through. You really are an inspiration.

[Stephanie Quilao]

Silicon Valley is a unique place which is why I don't lump all tech with what happens here. The Valley is a tough place whether you're a woman or man, and you need certain personality traits to make it here much like Hollywood is to acting and NYC is to fashion and advertising.

What companies need to do here to get more women to come and stay is to be more committed to creating a harmonious work place not just a female friendly place but a place where people can feel safe, respected, and uplifted. I've had lots of guy co-workers who hated the same negative things like I did like porn & dirty jokes, demeaning references about women, and acceptance of asshole behavior as long as the guy produces home runs.

There is a line in one of my favorite movies, Say Anything, where one of the girls says to John Cusack's character when he starts acting like a jerk, "Stop being a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man." I thought of this line the entire time I was in tech, and thought what a better place it would be if more guys started behaving more like gentlmen, and same thing goes for the ladies.

[Susan]

Thank you for your honest story.
I'm disgusted and disappointed by the way women are viewed and treated by the techies!
Well, you're in a much better place now! I think your blog is outstanding, and I know you're reaching people in positive ways through it.

[Susan]

... I should add that I'm generalizing too. Like you said, not everyone in tech acts this way. Unfortunately, many times the people who do act in this ungentlemanly behavior tend to ruin it for everyone else.

[Catherine]

Steph thank you for sharing your story. My story is not as extreme but it's amazing what some males in the work force expect you to the lip about.

[Ashley]

I can definitely appreciate what you're saying about guys in technology. I know my experience isn't exactly the same, but I took some computer courses in college and I met some guys that acted like they had never seen a girl before. One would stare at my chest the whole class and another made comments about how girls should be in the kitchen. It always helped that I had one of the best grades out of the group though.

I'm glad you got through it. It doesn't seem like you're bitter either. It's nice to see that you've taken away something from your experience and learned from it, instead of just becoming bitter.

[Corvida]

You're the first woman I've ever heard speak out about this and I thank you for that. It's a real eye opener for me personally. Thank you so much for sharing!

[Tsbrown]

Thank you. What pain. Did you go to therapy? I left corporate America for nonprofit work. I LOVE it. Not as much money, but a balanced life and rewarding work. I know TONS of people that are doing what I did- going into nonprofit. Think about it, all of you!

[Belle]

Thank you. Some people believe the women's rights movement has been completed, but unfortunately that's a huge misconception. Though progress has been made, both men and women still have a very long way to go. You & others who share your stories bring awareness that the battle hasn't ended - it is actually being fought every day. And often fought silently because voicing the FACTS of discrimination can be wildly unpopular. As another women in the tech world trenches, I say: thank you thank you thank you. I'm sure your story gave at least one woman (and more men) the courage to stand up and join the cause.

[janet]

eh, this is kind of why I am a feminist. People who think that women are equal in the 21st century are either ignorant or in denial. Also, I see a double edged sword/catch-22 here... I always thought that to be respected or noticed in the professional world, you had to be attractive. You will certainly get noticed, but as you point out, not necessarily respected. I have to argue though, that I don't think what society would deem unattractive (fat, etc.) bears much respect these days either. So it is really damned if you do, damned if you don't... unfortunately.

[Zandria]

I'm glad you took the time to write this post. (Doesn't you feel better when you get something off your chest that you've been wanting to write about for a while?) It's yet another insight into why you're such a cool person. :)

[susan mernit]

thanks for sharing this. loving your blog more every day.

[Nenette]

Thanks for writing this, Steph... as a female former-techie, I can completely appreciate your story. I was one of 8 girls (out of 300 students) in my first year of engineering, and it was beyond uncomfortable. In my 3rd year, my abusive ex-boyfriend (who had been in all my classes) stalked me... and blamed me for it. After that, I was fortunate to work as a software design engineer for large corporations with many other women in my department, decreasing chances of potential problems. Many former classmates weren't as fortunate. It helped them to talk about it.
I hope writing this post helped you as much as your readers appreciate being made aware of the problem.

[Lori]

I had a very similar experience working at our local police academy. One manager referred to us (Technical Writers with masters degrees) as the "typing pool". And, he let his romantic interests in my boss drive his decisions.

The real problem I saw was that unless you were a straight-white-Christian-male, you were not respected at all. The one exception I can think of is the romantic interest; she got whatever she wanted.

Many of the "guys" there were very nice....but the culture was that men do the real work and women support them.

It was nauseating.

[Rick Calvert]

Great post. Glad I found you via Louis Gray and Susan Mernit. Read a couple other posts as well. You write some very powerful stuff. I will be back to read some more.

[Suzann Wang]

Hi Steph,
This post demonstrates your inner core strength, your courage to find your own truth and your vulnerability. Keep up the search for what is right for you.

[Leonardo Souza]

Wow, Stephanie! I don't think I have ever read a post so dense (and important!) as yours.

Thank you for sharing this, and as others have said, I really hope that posting about it helps your healing process. Although I have a feeling that "you're stronger in spite of" it, as charlote pointed out in the first comment.

As a tech guy here in Brazil, I must confess that unfortunately our environment here isn't that far from Silicon Valley in regards to this sexual harassment. During my 10 years working at tech I've seen a lot of wrong behavior/comments from co-workers (but also met a lot of very decent guys). One problem that I see is that men are mostly tribal people, and what I want to say with this is that as you have a larger number of them together, the odds are that they will start to behave worst than they would do alone (and at tech companies they are usually majority).

Thank you again for your post and for "alerting" us all for the fact that we still can find different treatment for men X women in the 21st century, and we should fix that(!!). Also, congratulations for the way you write so well about something so intimal and stronger.

Best,
Leo

P.S.: Sorry for the veeeeery long comment, but after reading your post I felt an urge to reply.

[Sarah]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote about the difference between "those who want jobs and those who want to be entrepreneurs." As one memember of the DC Web Women list recently wrote, employers rarely want to bring out the best in you. If you want to be and do your best, you have to go it on your own. Good luck.

[Marianne]

Thank you for the post - I can so relate to it! I started in tech back in the 80's and somewhere around the early 90's I noticed a big change in co-worker socializing. Instead of the gang going out for drinks, the boys started going to strip clubs. The married guys led the charge. This coincided with internet access and unlimited porn. The tech field has been no fun since then.

[Mike Ornellas]

As a long time listener and first time poster....

I'm glad she shared this insight with others to promote wellness for not only herself, but also for others to reflect on similar experience(s) or " like kind" in the work place. It is an unfortunate reality that we as humans usually don't practice what we teach. It's like our world(s) are nothing more then double standards - and standards these issues seem to be common place everywhere. We think that we live in a " first class world " but to think of it, we as a race may just be becoming more out of balance due to social and economic pressures of the very existence that we have created and that is our society. Time and time again, these issues have come up since the dawn of time and it's a never ending career to do what is right vs. what is morally questionable for personal gain. The psychology of the "self" seems to be out of balance always and some choose to live in that catatonic state while we preach nirvana to our selves and others yet fulfill the need to survive. We for sure live in interesting times of self reflection, but one can only fix what is wrong from within to change others.....

mo

[Robert Johnson]

Sorry, Steph - But you need to STOP playing the victim and claim your position in life and business.