Prospero Año Nuevo everyone! I like doing New Year's Resolution themes versus specifics because I find it just lends itself to more fun and freedom.
Since I started blogging in 2005, here's a recap of my previous years resolution themes:
- 2006 Face my fear of living a bigger life, and finally step into it
- 2007 Life authentically
- 2008 Be Uplifting
And for 2009 {drum roll}, the theme will be:
- Be paid what I am worth financially and emotionally
Yup, 2009 is going to be about money and love in a big way. Actually, it's really about prosperity. The inspiration for this new theme came to me right before the holidays after one day I had a serious blow up of the screaming, punching of pillows, and snot all over my face kind. Member when I said I needed to clear my head, well, I needed to chill!
Anger is healthy too ya know
Normally, I'm pretty low key and calm, but believe you me I have a fiery side that when provoked comes off like I'm channeling my inner pissed off Irishman. So what provoked this rash Sean Penn-like moment? Well, it started with some ugliness related to my Ex because I was slapped with the reality that I have been living in some major delusion about him and what our relationship really was. More on this a bit later.
Then, things just catapulted into this whole frustration I've been having lately with money, marriage, love, kids, aging...the whole where is my life going because I feel so little control snowball. But this time, instead of getting depressed, I got pissed off. I mean anger took over and it was not crazy ass bitch out of control Naomi Campbell-like anger but healthy anger that finally needed to express itself. One of my girl friends told me she was glad that I was finally getting heated about the Ex because I never expressed any anger when we broke up or even during our relationship.
Perfect girl learns that getting pissed off is okay
One thing about being a recovering perfect girl is that we never express anger because "good girls are not supposed to get angry or mad." Have you heard that brainwash before? It's taken my years to realize that anger is normal and should be expressed because stuffing it is oh-so not healthy.
The insecure side of me used to internalize anger and turn it on myself instead of on those who inflicted the pain and hurt on me. At it's worst, it was almost like I was agreeing with the abuser, and inflicting equally on myself. I find this trait common in those I've known with body image and food issues. I'll bet there is some study about this somewhere.
Sisters are doing it for themselves
Since that day last month when I unleashed my anger, I have become very productive in a positive way. Enter the movie montage where clips of woman on a mission is getting shit done, and if you're not here to help or be an equal than get the hell out of her way. It's amazing how rage can catapult you to a new place of productivity.
Laying on the floor trying to catch my breathe with my head feeling all hot and red after all that crying and yelling, it became very clear to me that I have two choices, continue to let people shove me around and take me for granted, or grow some back bone and take the reigns back. I'm choosing the back bone.
Light bulb goes off
I realized the thing that has pissed me off the most is that I have not been feeling that I am being paid my worth financially and emotionally. I feel like everyone is just taking and taking from me and not reciprocating or appreciating me. In turn it's been making me react more closed off to everyone, and overwhelming me in some cases.
As much as we give of ourselves to the world and others, we cannot live on this planet for free, and we cannot live without love or appreciation. I'm not Mother Teresa. I'm just like everyone else on this planet who wants to be paid for the quality they produce and to receive love and support in a mutually thriving way.
What do I mean by show me the pay day?
Over on The Everyday Blogger, I will talk more about the financial stuff which is pretty straight forward. The main reason I started that blog was to boost the financial picture for me and others as I do believe in sharing the wealth. And to be clear, when I talk about being paid emotionally, I'm not talking about money (actual cash) for love, I'm talking about emotional currency, the balance of give and take. Gonna disagree with J. Lo in that love does cost a thing, not a money thing but a heart thing.
I've been in relationships business, friend, family, and lover where it is so unequal in that typically, I am the one always giving and understanding, and the other party continues to take, and take more than give that I end up feeling emotionally bankrupt or cheated. When it comes to lovers, I tend to pick men who are emotionally unavailable or wounded because a part of me wants to help "heal" them. And yeah, Dr. Shrink and I have had many a talk and believe you me, I finally get it. I so get it now.
A bit more on the Ex and Emotional Siberia
It finally dawned on me that my Ex put me in Emotional Siberia for the last 2 years of our relationship, and what that did was bring out the clingy, scared, insecure side of me. Instead of leaving to be with someone who'd want to be emotionally present with me, I begged my Ex to stay with me (we broke up twice before the final breakup), and I put up with his pushing away and his shutting me out thinking, hoping that one day he'd see the light and open up to me and our love. I too could start living my life again instead of building my clingy world around him. Oy vay! I know.
When the Ex did open his heart to me, it really was wonderful and it brought out the better parts in me. When he shut me out, it brought out all my insecurities and smallness. Of course, I wish I had known more of that back then, but hey it's better to learn later than never. Going forward, this new self realization will help me have an even better relationship with the next guy.
I'm not blaming the Ex or the world for that matter for where I found myself in that frustrating place last month because I know it takes two to create a mess. I am going to take ownership and accountability for my end which is how we have come to this year's 2009 resolution theme.
Finding the everyday "live" in living
With this year's resolution theme, it also lends itself to a new theme here at BISJ. I wise one shared with me that on the flip side, healing can also be a form of putting off living. Indeed, when we have been hurt, sick, or abused we need to take time and care to heal the body, heart, and spirit. We should take the time to mourn, grieve, and be still.
However, at some point, we need to go on with living. We can't let the past keep us from the beautiful possibilities of the future. Wise one also said that when you hold onto the past, you can end up punishing or reaping the consequences on the new people in your life for things that those in the past have done to you. This is not fair to the new people because they have done nothing to you. Yeah, wake up call! When put that way it makes you really look at how much you are letting the past affect the present.
We all know of someone who is still "healing" from something that happened years maybe even decades ago. Typical excuses include, "When I'm over my Ex, I'll start dating again....When my illness is gone, I can start having fun...When I have proof that people can be trusted, I will trust." In these scenarios, we are afraid to move forward and use "I'm still healing" as a way to stay in a safe place. Indeed we are safe from pain, but we are not living. We are existing, on pause, in limbo. It's not a bad place, it's just a choice.
I've come to the realization that in some places in my life, I've been using the healing excuse to not move forward when really it is time to let go. It is time to stop focusing on the fear of pain and loss and focus on the gain of abundance, love, and joy. It's time to jump back in, and I welcome any and all of you to come along. This is another reason I love blogging: you are never alone :)
Blogging the living
This year is going to be filled with learning lessons around setting better boundaries, expressing my needs and being more clear about what I need, opening my heart more and trusting the process, and doing a better job of standing up for myself. I find when I do more of these self loving things the need to over eat, binge, purge, not exercise, and self deprecate do not appear.
I love how blog friend Charlotte does experiments because it's a good way to try out new things, take others along on the journey, and give yourself room for failure, fall downs, and "I've decided to change my mind." So, on BISJ you will see plenty of experiments this year. I'm starting off with two things:
- I'm tweaking the perspective of my writing on all 3 of my blogs to one who is on a journey through everyday life. I'm not a guru, an expert, a role model, or someone to be put on a pedestal. I'm learning and growing like everyone else, and I'm just sharing my knowledge and experience along the way.
On Noshtopia, the new tagline is "a splendid place about eating healthier in a hectic life." I wrote a whole post on making peace with the food blogging, and going forward I'm just going to share what new and interesting things I'm doing to eat healthier like the rest of you in this crazy and exciting world we live in.
On The Everyday Blogger the new tagline is "A journey to making a living as a lifestyle blogger." Again, we'll be focusing on the journey, and I'll be following with a post on what new things I will be doing with my blogging efforts, and they are some doozies but I believe they will very much help me finally get paid what my content is worth.
- The second big experiment I'm going to launch starting today is "The Skinny Debt Diet." A while back, I threw out the challenge to create New Year's resolutions that have nothing to do with weight loss. This year I just didn't want to do yet another weight loss thing, so because our economy is in a down turn, I'm focusing on my own financial well being and money and health are so intertwined, I'm going to experiment with the Skinny Debt Diet.
So, there you have it. Welcome 2009! If you have any ideas, thoughts, or insights, please let me know. And again, I love you all, and appreciate so much your support, readership, and sharing of yourself with me and the gang here at Back in Skinny Jeans!
