Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted March 21, 2006
After the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out, my next un-favorite, tormenting experience is all the "Get bikini ready for summer" hoopla we see everywhere.
I'm tormented because a part of me secretly would like to prance around the pool like Salma Hayek in a two piece because let's be real some of that code still exists in my software. But there is another part, a thankfully growing part of me that feels, "Isn't there more to life than being bikini ready?"
Can you people please have some mercy and stop bombarding us with bikini propaganda which actually isn't motivating but really more "I'm not good enough" inducing.
The "bikini ready" torment starts with all the pictures of half-naked coeds on Spring break in Cancun or Fort Lauderdale, and then you see "bikini ready" peed all over the front covers of EVERY women's magazine.
Yes, E-V-E-R-Y women's magazine has something about getting in bathing suit shape in time for the summer. Even if the magazine is about crocheting, there will be some article in it like, "Tips to look fantastic in your hand-crafted crocheted bikini."
There will still be blizzard snow in February, but in all the department stores will be racks filled with this year's hottest swimwear. You'll be dressed in a turtle neck up to your ears because it's 30 degrees outside, but you'll be swimming in bathing suit galore as you wade through all the racks filled with beachwear at Macy's and Nordies.
Dare you even try a bathing suit on yet? Naw! You've got 3 months to buy every "bikini ready" magazine to help you get in bikini shape by bikini summer.
We've got three months to start eating celery sticks, eliminate sugar and fat, do cardio 6 times a week, and hold lotus position for 90 seconds every other day.
We'll get bombarded with TV commercials with hot 51 year old grannies on her Bowflex. Oh, and of course she's wearing a bikini at the pool with the hot young guy. Damn cougar!
The vision of hawt geezer shames us onto the elliptical and eating Zone friendly foods. Along with Bowflex granny, there will also be the pill popping commercials where you see the size 12 school teacher shrink down to a size 4 right before your skinny craving eyes. More bikini brainwashing.
Every year, I wish that I can just have one summer where I can wear a bathing suit and be carefree about my body without nitpicking or flaw finding. I've some close a few times and avoiding all the "bikini ready" propaganda helps, but I have never been able to put on beachwear, and feel "tah-dah!" confident at the same time. And again, it's because there is still some of that old code in my software that kicks in when we see the bikinis.
One day, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin in a bathing suit and just enjoy the beach and rays. Instead of "Just Do It" it would be "Just Be." Somewhere inside, I feel I will have that day sooner than later because I do know there is indeed far more important things, more life enriching things than being bikini ready by summer.