Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted July 24, 2007.
In the early days of BISJ, I used to share stories about my episodes on the therapist couch. This specific scene happened about 2002. The point in sharing some of my own neurosis was to help make people feel less uptight about their own journey because that can be easy to do. I know. I used to be the queen of making rivers out of puddles.
I mean, who’s going to want to be with me? Who would want to marry or hire someone who is as fucked up in the head as me? Tell me.”
“First let’s put a little perspective on things just so we can be clear about where we are. You don’t have every neurosis or dysfunction that a woman could have because I’ve seen people with much bigger issues than you, and you know people yourself who are much worse off than you."
Well, she is right there. I'll give her that. My drama queen tendencies can get the best of me sometimes. That's why we see someone who can be objective and calm.
"To you, at this moment it feels like you are the worst of the bunch, but you aren’t. The part you're struggling with is the perfectionist who still thinks everything is a complete disaster if things did not go perfectly. Granted, yes you have quite a few things to deal with, but nothing that can't be healed." (more after the jump)
Okay, I'm feeling like I'm heading back to earth. Meg's right. But still, I'm freaking out. I don't have a job. Everyone around me is getting married and having kids. I'm still renting. I've been on the planet several decades already and I don't even know what I want to do with my life.
Yeah, I had a lucrative career once, but I hated it. I'm
supposed to be on track and I feel "off track". I've always had the
answers, and now for some reason, in this phase of my life, I have no
answers. I have no solutions. I just feel like a total fuck up. I know
it's not logical, but that's what I feel all the time.That's why I'm
laying on this couch.
"I do not think you are fucked up at all, as you so eloquently phrased it. No, in one way, I think that you are rather brilliant.”
My wallow in self pity quickly turns into intrigue. My head turns to
Meg like Scooby Doo. There's even a hint of hope. How can someone just
drowning in self pity be brilliant?
“You have decided that no matter what joy and success life is going to throw at you, you are going to kill it. All these so called neurosis and dysfunctions as you call them, are merely weapons and tactics you have created to kill any success and happiness that comes your way.
You are successful at making yourself small. You are
successful at avoiding your light and your magnificence. You are brilliant at creating
defense mechanisms to keep joy out, and your true potential out.
And, the genius in all of this is that you have also implemented a counter tactic to your own defenses by punishing yourself and sabotaging yourself every time you make small break through.
You want the bliss, and you cry and cry about why you can’t have it, and the ironic part is that you are the one keeping you from everything you want. You see. It’s brilliant, and you created it.”
Holy fuck! I'm paralyzed. I just want to run out of the room and hide. But this is why Meg is so effective for me, she does not let me hide, and she does not sugar coat. Instead, I cry because she is making me look at a truth, a hard truth.
I'm brilliant at keeping myself small and safe, yet, my soul so desperately wants to be large and living. I've staged my own internal war. In my head, metaphorically, I'm trying to imagine where neutral would be. Since I can't find my happy place, Switzerland will do. Where's my internal diplomat?