Back in skinny jeans

When It's Time To Let Go Of The Skinny Jeans

Note: This was the very first picture I used in the blog header when Back in Skinny Jeans launched in November 2005.

A while back, I was on one of those “let’s-meet-for-coffee-because-we-met-online-and-don’t-want-to-commit-to-anything-serious-like-potstickers-and-Kung Pao chicken” first dates. Here’s a snippet of our conversation:

Him: “So, you’re a writer?”

Me: “Well actually, I’m a blogger.”

Him: “Really? Well that’s cool. I think it’s fascinating that people can make a living blogging. So what do you blog about?”

Me: “I blog about healthy living, body image, weight loss…..stuff like that.”

My date then stares into my face with wide open eyes for a moment giving me a kinda deer in headlights look. Immediately I assume he’s thinking, “Oh gawd, are you one of those salad picking chicks who will constantly ask me “Does this make me look fat?”…and then blog about it.”

My first instinct…

Me: “Oh,oh, no…. I really focus more on holistic mind, body, spirit. It’s more about overall healthiness than just losing weight and looking like a hot chick. Really, I eat all the time. I like food, maybe too much. I even food blog too but not in an obsessive calorie counting way…no really….I have a much better relationship with food than I did when I was younger which yeah did include some salad picking only days. But, all that is past stuff. You know…me and food are good…like gin & tonic good.”

{I feel like I’m a rambling Bridget Jones during one of her “speeches”}

Him: “So, are you back in your skinny jeans?”

I cringe when he asks me that question, but politely smile. Although it may have come out a bit tacky, I can’t really be mad at the guy because it is a valid question since that is the name of my blog. But, I feel uptight.

...The skinny jeans is like the modern day glass slipper ...

I never saw the guy again. It was simply one of those pleasant nice to meet you coffee dates. But what stuck in my craw was, “Why was I explaining myself and feeling all awkward about my blog?” I can’t put my finger on it…yet. But I did figure it out, and the answer will affect the future of this blog.

The blogger pocket book

I pondered that question for weeks. During that time, I was also seriously reevaluating my blogging career because I’ve made no secret of this, making money in the healthy living blog niche has been really tough and I’m still not standing on my own two feet. And frankly, I’m really kinda done living like a “who-knows-where-money-is-going-to-come-from” frugalista.

I tried the 8-week Everyday Tweet blog experiment which turned out to be a blog fail because as much as I love Twitter and am doing very well on the platform, I don’t want to blog about Twitter all the time. The 8-week hiatus from blogging on Back in Skinny Jeans was terrific, and frankly towards the end, I woke up one morning very calm, and literally was like, “I’m done. I’m done blogging Back in Skinny Jeans.” Yes, that was very major, and even more so because I was still and peaceful.

But then I thought, "I just can't quit the blog. My online brand is built around Back in Skinny Jeans. What would I do?"

Asking one simple question can change everything

During my blog hiatus, I celebrated my birthday and it dawned on me, “How old do you have to be to stop obsessing about your body and your looks?”

It’s a good question to ask.

I have been obsessing about my body and looks ever since I was in Junior high school, and am now in my 40’s, and really, how much longer will I continue to obsess about my jeans size, wrinkles, flab, and crow’s feet? Do I want to be 45, 50 etc and still be fixated about being back in the skinny jeans? I've been blogging about this topic for 3 years and 8 months, how much longer do I want to continue?

At what age, do we women just stop focusing on the physical?

If you read the women’s magazines and sites, the answer would be never because entire industries are built around our constant insecurities about our looks and our continuous desire to be youthful and thin. We are taught to believe that female social currency is based on our physical beauty.

The true answer to when we stop focusing on the physical is this: It stops when YOU stop. That’s it.

A Buddhist principle is that all suffering is in the mind. I pondered this concept: beauty suffering is grounded in the mind. If I eliminate or change what I think about and focus on, then it follows that I can end my suffering and struggle with my body. My body is not the root of my suffering, my mind is. And equally, my body is not the root of my happiness, my mind is.

{Let that sink in a moment}

It's all within, and it is all about YOU

There is nothing outside of you that will make you stop obsessing about your body and your looks. YOU have to decide that you will no longer make your body and beauty the focus of your life. YOU have to stop attaching your self esteem, your self-worth, and your self-love to something external to you. YOU must become conscious that you are chasing an illusion and not a reality.YOU must ask for help and take responsibility for your healing if you find yourself dealing with anything that is causing harm to your health, life, and those around you.

The illusion is that being thin and beautiful (by society’s standards) will make your life perfect, happy, and fulfilled. The illusion is that once we can wear the skinny jeans again, we can be the person we always dreamed we could be, and have the glossy life we fantasize about.

The skinny jeans is like the modern day glass slipper, as we also expect Prince Charming and the prettiness kingdom to appear along with the jeans. The attachment to that beauty illusion is what drives us to our darker sides to desperate and dangerous measures and to superficiality. We are sometimes even willing to put our lives at risk for this illusion.

We buy into the illusion that things outside of us will bring us what we feel lacking on the inside. The reality is you already have everything you want on the inside. It’s always been there, and you will start to see it and appreciate it as soon as you just STOP putting all the emphasis on the external.

This principle is not new, and honestly, for years, I thought it was crap. But after experiencing myself being thin and adored for it, being a millionaire, having some level of fame, and of having “perfect-like” boyfriends, I can tell you that you can have all that and still be amazingly miserable and unfulfilled.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel your best. Having a vibrant body is fabulous. Makeup, clothes, shoes, and shopping are very much fun parts of being a girl. I love all that stuff myself. But, those things in of themselves are simply that, things. They are just things, not who we are, and that is where the illusion tricks us.

The gift to myself that made the difference

For my birthday this year, my gift to myself was the decision and feeling, “I am whole.”

And honestly, I think this is the best gift I have ever given myself. I've gotten myself cars, clothes, shoes, and trips and as fabulous as all those gifts were, they still pale to the gift of feeling whole, and living like a whole person.

Yes, I have damage, flaws, and imperfections, but I am whole. Yes, I still have a bit of a muffin top I’d like to drop and I don’t have a husband or sustainable income (yet), but I am still whole. I suffered an eating disorder and depression, I was raped by a boyfriend, I lost a million dollars, I failed even publicly in all kinds of business ventures, but I am still whole.

Our permission settings

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Well, it’s the same thing for feeling whole. No one can make you feel lack without your agreement. No one can make you feel you’re not beautiful, talented, or worthy of love without your permission.

So, the question I ask of you today which I asked of myself is, why do you continue to give things outside of yourself the authorization to make you feel anything other than whole? What do you gain by continuing to believe that you are not whole as you are in this moment? What would your life look like the second you start living like a person who knows they are whole?

...I believe that even a pair of jeans can help make the world a better place. ...

I can tell you that ever since my birthday when I gave myself that gift of living like a whole person, the first thing I got was a sense of calm. Certain things that used to get under my skin or bugged me, just didn’t any more mainly because I realized what’s the point? Really. All I’m getting is more stress about things that I really have no control over. But what I can control are my perceptions and reactions, and I choose internal peace which again is something that we all have and no one can ever take away unless we let them.

It's time to grow up Dyer style

I love Wayne Dyer’s explanation of growing up. He says something to the affect:

Growing up is not about age, a number on a driver’s license. Growing up is about growing into your higher self.

I love Dyer's perspective because it's about evolving. The reason I reacted to my date’s salad eating chick look about Back in Skinny Jeans was because my subconscious was saying, “Hey Steph! It’s time for us to grow up. We want to grow into our higher self, and that woman no longer has a need to focus on her body or the subject of physical beauty every day.”

My higher self wants to do new things that will help me evolve as a person internally, and help me do more of my life purpose work which is to help people live more authentic lives. My higher self knows that even though our online brand was built around this blog, I am not this blog, and this blog has served us and others well. The spirit of this blog can live on and evolve, and the universe shows me how...you'll see.

Instead of being bikini-ready, I'd like to get higher self-ready

Before the 8-week hiatus, I tried to focus on health and beauty subjects outside of the physical body, and be that voice of reason in a weight loss and youth obsessed media culture. However, doing research for those stories and keeping on top of trends still required me to keep reading all these magazines, sites, blogs and books that constantly perpetuate the beauty myth.

Frankly, I just can’t stand to read it anymore…every day. I find that all that stuff really just leaves me feeling angry or somehow still pulls me back into the self bashing and feeling “not enough.” I no longer want to feed my soul and mind with beauty illusion every day of the year.

But I’m no saint. I admit to enjoying celeb gossip and women’s magazines and sites, but for a profession I no longer want to write about the travesty of things like celebrity cellulite watching, the never ending treadmill of getting “bikini ready”, or how to look hot so you can have a hot sex life.

That beauty myth stuff is what gets the big traffic and page views, and to make revenue with Back in Skinny Jeans, on a daily basis, I would have to keep writing about things I no longer want to have a conversation about.

I decide the future of Back in Skinny Jeans

I would like to pass the torch onto others in the healthy living blog niche, and feel that the higher purpose of Back in Skinny Jeans was really to pave the way for others and to open the doors for those who’d like to use blogging as a means to really challenge and even shatter the beauty myth in the media and our culture.

On that note, I want to retire Back in Skinny Jeans the blog while it is still on top. I will no longer be actively blogging here, but the site will still be alive as the platform for Back in Skinny Jeans the book which will make its debut one day…and soon hopefully. I’m working on it. When I can’t tell you exactly, but the book is coming, and it will be my final performance on the subject of weight loss.

I can tell you that the book has interesting twists on the weight loss subject based on my 3-1/2 years of blogging and personal growth, and there will be stories in the book that I have never shared on the blog, to give readers some new content to look forward to.

And even though Back in Skinny Jeans will no longer be an active blog, the voice of Stephanie Quilao is definitely not leaving the web. Oh no! Here are the details on where I will be on the web. There will be some new things too like me offering for a limited time one-on-one blogger coaching for those in the lifestyle categories who want to take their blog and personal brand to the next level.

And now, I have something I’m thrilled about that will help transition Back in Skinny Jeans into her higher blog self.

It's all good!

 

I’m pleased to announce Jeans For Good which is a mission for people to let go of their un-used jeans like the skinny and fat jeans, and donate, sell, or auction those jeans for a cause or charity close to your heart. On our favorite theme of how small actions still produce results, I believe that even a pair of jeans can help make the world a better place.

The first mission of Jeans For Good is I am auctioning a pair of my skinny jeans on eBay. 50% of the proceeds are going to Make-A-Wish, a place I spent a year doing volunteer work during my 2-year “mid-life retirement” back in 2002-2004. The other 50% is going to web hosting and maintenance fees for the Jeans For Good site.

At the Jeans For Good site, I have included web buttons and badges for those of you who want to start letting go of your un-used jeans, and to encourage others to do the same. I like to call it the, “get in my pants for a good cause” campaign. As you can see, I can even add zesty humor to do-gooding :-)

Jeans For Good was inspired from the notion that one way I could help people live more authentic lives was to help them let go of the skinny jeans illusion but do it in a way that is also helping to move people into their higher self, and feel good while doing it. And this is a mission that everyone can do and lead on their own. This isn’t about me, it’s about a higher good for all. I’m just getting the ball rolling.

At the same time, as you let go of those skinny jeans you can get yourself some new jeans that fit you in the present. Get jeans that make you feel and look hot as you are today, in this moment, not like in the past or someday, but in the now!

Thank YOU!

Thank you everyone for your readership, your kindness, love, and support through all the 3 years and 8 months here at Back in Skinny Jeans. I have cherished every moment here, and this blog has helped me grow as a person and into the kind of woman I want to be more of. I hope that the blog has helped do the same for you!

And as BISJ parting words, remember, you are whole :-)

xoxo,

Stephanie

I leave you with a song that sums it all up, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Jimmy Cliff here with footage from the move Cool Runnings about the Jamaican bobsled team at the winter Olympics. I love this story because it's more proof to never let the illusion of, "It's not possible" or "People will laugh at me" stop you from going for your dreams and passions.

25 Things I Did to Lose 25lbs and Keep It Off For a Year Now

On Facebook, I think I've been tagged like dozens of times on that "25 Things About Me" meme, and over at Twitter, now that I have over 41k Followers asking me about how I lost weight, I thought I'd combine the two together. I'm all for two-fers!

Just to recap. I started a 25lb weight loss journey back in June of 2005 and reached my goal in January of 2008, and have kept it all off ever since. Above is me two weeks ago enjoying a day at a resort in the Philippines. Mom took the picture. I did post during the whole time I was dropping those 25lbs on my blog Back in Skinny Jeans which included Weigh-In Wednesdays. Here's that whole section called, "Steph Loses Weight."

So here we go:

1. I eliminated consuming any artificial sweeteners like aspartame and Splenda which I was mostly consuming through diet sodas like Diet Coke, Pepsi, and Dr. Pepper, and in my coffee and tea drinks at Starbucks. When I did that 10lbs just fell off. My theory, and again I am no medical pro, is related to this study on how artificial sweeteners can increase your odds of gaining weight.

2. My basic eating philosophy is based around a concept I call "Eating Wellness." I created my food blog Noshtopia to share the things I love to eat, cook, and savor in. There's plenty of food shots too which helps me express my creative side. Admittedly too, I am a Whole Foods addict.

3. I pretty much stopped eating in the car like it was a restaurant on wheels. I don't go through any drive thrus either. If I want food, I park and go inside.

Workin' Strong: Hindu and Dive Bomber Pushups

One day on Twitter, I asked people what they had done for exercise that day, and one of my Twitter pals @muayman told me he did some Hindu pushups and squats. I'd never heard of those exercises before so I inquired further.

I was more curious about the Hindu pushups because I've started doing the resistance workouts again focusing more on building upper body strength and working the core, that muffin top, the ab-eroonies because my legs are strong as an ox, but yet I still can't do one pullup to save my life.

Wow! The Hindu pushup is like a multi-tasking exercise as it works some major muscle groups, including the legs, back, chest, shoulders, arms, hips and abs. The Dive Bomber is a military style of pushup that looks like the Hindu but is different. Here's a synopsis @muayman sent me about the difference between the two forms of pushup and which is better than the other. I think both of them look really cool!

In this video, straight away you see Paul doing the Hindu and Dive Bomber pushup. Then, Paul does a half Dive Bomber, a back-up pushup, a close grip Hindu and Dive Bomber, and then a crazy "zOMG! You are strong like Cirque du Soleil performer" feet on the wall pushup.

I tried doing the Hindu pushups, and um yeah, I just fell smack on my face like girl-fall-down-go-boom...LOL! But, I'm not giving up! If you're bored with the regular pushup, I'd definitely give these Dive Bomber and Hindu pushups a go because it works a whole lot. If you have any kind of back issue though, I'd ask your doctor or trainer first because you will feel this exercise in the back.

This is what goes on in my head whenever I go on a "No Carb" diet

This is why I can't cut out carbs all together. I sware this is what goes on in my head whenever I've gone on any of those "Don't Even THINK About Eating Carbs" diets. Literally, "I want coooookie!"

Before: The "fat" conversations in your head when looking over a menu

A girlfriend and I were having lunch yesterday, and as we looked over the lunch menu we took a moment to giggle, in a "I totally have been there too" kind of way, about how in our old weight obsessed eating days, we'd have these amazingly full conversations in our head while deciding what to eat from the menu.

Today, we are both in good healthy places with our weight/body image, so we can look back and appreciate the humor in the absurdity of our behavior back then. At the time of our distorted eating phase, it wasn't funny, but fast forward after going through therapy and healing, and sometimes you can find the humor in some of the crazy things you did especially when you are in the company of others who have been through the same experience.

What we giggled about was that this entire "fat" food conversation could involve enormous amounts of data and processing yet take place in mere seconds. Here's a sample of what used to go on in my head:

BISJ Evolves Part 2 of 2: “You’re like a big sister I always wanted”

Continuing from Part 1: At some point you have to evolve

One of the fastest ways to find out what you’re good at is to ask other people. Seems like a no-brainer but many women are afraid to ask others straight up, “What do you think I’m best at?” I think it’s a good exercise because you can see how others see you which in many cases is much brighter than we see ourselves.

Early in the year, I did an informal query with some close friends and blogger pals about what they thought Back in Skinny Jeans did well. I wanted to know one, for marketing purposes and two, I was having a bit of a blog midlife crisis. Looking back, I believe this is when the evolving process took flight. Asking this question brought me to the new theme of BISJ which I’ll share in a moment.

The results I got back were two words: inspiring and wise

Wise does not equal perfect

I feel honored that people think I'm inspiring and wise. I was a bit shocked by the wise part because sometimes I feel like the blind leading the blind. But, as one long time friend put it, “When I need solid advice, I always think of you because you know how to be fair and objective, and find a win/win solution to everything."

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that wise does not equal perfect. Wisdom actually has more to do with someone who allows themselves to make mistakes and be human and grow and learn from them. What differentiates them is that they learn from the pain and tragedy and continue to evolve. My dad taught me that.

“Can I tell you my life story Steph?”

BISJ Evolves Part 1 of 2: At some point you have to evolve

Sometimes the voice in my head sounds like Jedi master Yoda. A few months ago while trying to figure out the root cause of that wicked insomnia spell I had, this is what the wise one echoed,

“Focus on your body not. Evolve is the time.”

“What the eff Yoda?”...my lower self balked. My higher self knew exactly what he was talking about and it has lifted a burden that has been weighing heavy on my heart for quite some time. I have lots of work to do, but now I can sleep. In fact, my sleep is almost back to normal.

After much deliberation about this, and trust me it’s been very hard, I have decided to change the focus of Back in Skinny Jeans and lessen my time here, and focus more time growing and expanding Noshtopia. Yes, it’s kind of a biggie announcement today, and also poignant as I am this close to 2,000 BISJ posts.

“What!!!”

At the core, it’s very simple. At some point, we as women have to evolve beyond making our body & our looks the priority in our lives. At some point, we have to let go of obsessing and focusing on what we weigh, our dress size, and what other women look like compared to us. We have to let go of the constant fat and body talk, and just love our body. At some point, it becomes time to let go of an old life where we defined our life by our physical body, and move onto a bigger life filled with depth, interestingness, and progress. At some point, we have to stop trying to be an image, and start being who we really are which has absolutely nothing to do with the way we look.

Why can’t you blog and evolve at the same time?

Weigh-in Wed: Rebounding from the insomnia weight gain

In today's video, I talk about what I've been doing to get back on track after the 6lb weight gain I mentioned last week because of the wicked insomnia spell I went through in March. I discovered the primary source of how I gained that weight in a short period of time, and what I'm doing to shed it. (video 2min. 33sec.)

Random thoughts on skinny: So this is how you get rid of that muffin top

Wanna see a woman with some serious abs of steel? Workout Mommy has a cool interview with Tami, who shares her secret to getting that amazing six pack, "Abs are built in the kitchen." You can do all the crunches in the world, but if you keep eating junk like 7Eleven is going out of business, then that muffin top will continue to cover up those defined abs. Mentally, I remind myself that I actually do have a six pack, it's just buried underneath an Oreo and French Fry filled Omentum as Dr. Oz eloquently explains.

So: Clean up your eating + exercise = blasting the muffin top. Simple {in theory}.

Speaking of muffin tops, I have gained 6 pounds since this insomnia started at the beginning of March. Oh yeah! I stepped on Bonita Tanita yesterday, and couldn't believe the number she displayed to me. I realize that I haven't been eating the best and exercising regularly, but it's not like I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have  noticed that my jeans have been feeling snugger and mostly around the gut area. I sware, I gain weight in my waist as fast as the Big O guy filling my tire with air. Perhaps that's why the muffin top is also called a spare tire.

BUT!

This is where the growth and healing come in. I've been seriously working hard on not letting the scale steal my joy or any of my self worth. But sweet mother Mary, it is not easy. I got on that scale and at least 5 emotions sprang from "Fuck! I'm tired. When will this weight gaining shit ever end! To, "Ok, it's just 6 little pounds, and this is just part of the process. The extra weight is just a symbol that you are off track with your healthy living habits. So get back to focus."

My lower self starts thinking that a little lipo in the gut wouldn't be that bad (I'm not impervious to those thoughts), and then my higher self chimes in with the fact that lipo just removes fat, it doesn't prevent it from coming back. Plus, if we did lipo we'd have to put it on the Visa, and what absurdity is that to put vanity surgery on a credit card. Yeah, people do it all the time, but seriously, I'd rather go into debt because I had to pay for food and bills while I get my business going than for a procedure to suck out fat that I and my fat-creating habits are responsible for.

What we want is long term success, not instant results that will last as long as Paris Hilton's singing career.

Diagram: Weight Loss Theory

Am feeling cartoonish today.  Doesn't losing weight seem much simpler in diagram form? Now if I could just hit the sweet spot. What would your diagram look like?

Thanks to Sister Skinny for the "begetables" :)