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"Two Tiny Changes": 5 diplomacy tips + update

Winning an argument can be a great feeling, but it's even better when you can get your point across while not having your opponent feel like they have been beaten, broken, or lost out. Winning is best when it is win/win for both parties. Is that even possible? Absolutely! Your Inner Resistance Monster wants you to believe that in order for one person to win, the other has to lose, but this is not always the case. The good news is that this diplomacy skill can be learned so that you become better at creating win/win situations. The better I got at being diplomatic, the better my people skills got and the better all my relationships became; personal, work, online, or even dealing with bill collectors. Here's some tips to help you with diplomacy:

• The best state of mind to go into a discussion where you know there will be opposing points of view is to be calm. A wise one told me once, "He who controls his breath controls the room." He told me that calm people are always in control of their breathing, and if you notice, their breathing is slow, deep, and steady because when you breathe this way your body has a better chance of remaining physically calm. If you remain calm, others tend to follow suit. If not, eventually they will simmer down because who wants to argue with a calm person. The key though is to be calm & present versus calm & distant.

• One of the toughest times to be diplomatic and calm is when you are dealing with "institutions" like any government agency, gatekeepers, or the department of motor vehicles. Who hasn't wanted to strangle someone at DMV? There are times when I notice that I am starting to sound bitchy and mean which only makes the other person defensive, thus making it almost impossible for me to get what I need. In this situation, to diffuse the tension that is arising, I say, "Look, I'm sorry for being a pain the ass. I know it is not you. I know you're just doing your job and following company policies. You have a tough job to do. So, again I apologize for my rudeness. {By now, the other person is feeling better and lowering their defenses, and they will typically say unless you've been a complete a-hole, "Oh that's okay. I can see why you're upset.} With a better understanding of each other, I can now ask, "So, really, are there any other options available to me. I'll even talk to a manager or higher up if you want me to." By saying..."if you want me to"...it makes that person feel like you'd take the burden of doing something they don't want to do like talk to a superior which in actuality would be ideal if you could talk to that superior. 9 out of 10 times, I end up getting what I need without having to talk to that superior.

• One of the best ways to disarm your opponent's defensiveness and edge your way into getting your points in is through compliments. Yes, the old adage "you get farther with honey than you do with spice" still works wonders. The best types of compliments include ones about the person's smarts, passion or wisdom. Examples include, "I admire a person who is passionate about their ideals. May I respond with the same passion."..."You are obviously very educated on this topic. May I add some more information to add to your knowledge."..."I can see your point. Someone with your insight and wide perspective without a doubt can see other points of view."

• When things get really heated and everyone including yourself is reacting out of pure emotions where nothing is getting accomplished except frustration, the best thing is to just stop and say, "I think we need a break to cool off, rest, and get our perspective back. Let's talk about this more {designate a specific date/time}." When debates have been going on for a long time people are just tired, and when we get tired and cranky nothing win/win can manifest. It's okay and good to stop to re-group.

• Sometimes, a win/win can simply be, "We agree to disagree." Both of you acknowledge that each has their set point of view, and it isn't going to budge, but that's okay. A discussion does not have always have to end with "I'm right. You're wrong." For the moment, it can simply be, "We agree to disagree."

Last week, this is what I did tiny changes-wise:

• With gas prices being so high where I live {it's now at $4.51/gallon for 87 gas}, I have been more diligent about asking myself if I really need to drive that day. It's gotten me better at planning my outings so that I don;t have to drive every day of the week. I'd rather spend money on food, than on gas which right now is where I've been cutting for gas money.

Tiny inspiring signs: Sex & the City inspiration

Since I got Sex & the City on the brain, I thought I'd make this week's business card signs my favorite quotes from the movie. Print these and hang them anywhere you need a perk up.

The first quote is from Carrie Bradshaw during the scene in the cab where Miranda is asking Carrie for forgiveness yet at the same token she won't forgive Steve for his one mistake because she thinks the hurt she inflicted on Carrie is different than the hurt Steve inflicted on her. Carrie reminds her that, "Forgiveness is forgiveness" and that is so true.

The romantic in me absolutely loved the line from Beethoven's "Immortal Beloved" letters to which Big recites to Carrie at their wedding, "Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." Ahhh! We should all be so fortunate to love and be loved like that.

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"Two Tiny Changes": 5 'failure' pick me up tips + update

Yesterday, the theme for this week's tiny inspiring signs was about failure. Today, I thought it would be a fantastic opportunity to offer tips on ways to pick yourself up during those times when you feel like a failure. Your Inner Resistance Monster  just thrives on those "failure" periods as a way to keep you in the smallness of your comfort zone. We want you to achieve your goals and dreams, so here's some tiny tips to help you on your way.

• You may feel like there is a huge letter L tattooed on your head for "Loser" but I can assure you that it's only imaginary .The only person who can see that Loser L is you because you put it there via your own harsh judgment of yourself or because someone called you a Loser and you agreed with them. As easily as you put that Loser L on your head, you can easily throw it away. You control how you feel about yourself, no one else does.

• The failure feeling is blown up because you are focused on only a small part of the picture where yes relative to size, your mistake or inability to achieve something seems huge. Step back and now take a 10,000ft view of your journey and you will see that this mistake is really only a blip in the big picture. In fact, that blip which you label "failure" could actually be the major stepping stone to moving you out of the wrong direction and into the right one.

• For every successful person we see on those "Most Successful" lists, that same person could equally be put on "Big Mistakes ever Made" lists. People who achieve greatness also experience great loss and great mistakes because they are taking risks that most of us would never do. You have to risk great to achieve great which also means a path that is not easy. What made these people great successes is that they learned from their errors and did not let the mistakes or feelings of failure stop them from achieving their dreams.

• It's okay to be imperfect. Those suffering from "Perfect girl" syndrome who are afraid to make mistakes or risk feeling failure need to let go of that perfect image and lighten up because that drive to be perfect is in reality limiting to your growth, way more work than one needs to do, and lastly, no one really buys it. Trust me on this because I spent nearly 20 years trying to be "perfect." Perfect girls are boring and always tired. Women with flaws are interesting because flaws help to develop character and wisdom.

• On the bright side, if you're on the bottom, the only way you can go is up. This notion always works in getting me to find humor in the awful situation because I always try to find an upside. It does pick me up whenever I feel I have hit a bottom point because laughter can help bring relief to almost any dark moment.

What I did last week:

• Seeing the story about JK Rowling and her Harvard speech was timely and I believe my guardian angels sent it to me because I was in a serious funky panic last week about money. I saw the story as a reminder to pull myself out of my duldrums. I had to take my car to the shop because I had to get it serviced and the gear shift was sticking too much. Turns out there was way more my car needed fixing and the bill came to a month's rent which on my tuna and mac & cheese entrepreneur budget sparked some distraught feelings of failure and worry because like I mentioned above I was so immersed in only seeing the small picture. When I look at the grand scheme of things, I know and believe that these "limited budget" times are temporary. Financial prosperity is on its way. I'm also reminded of how rich I am already in so many other ways beyond cash.
  

Tiny inspiring signs: It's only failure if you give up

JK Rowling recently gave the commencement speech at Harvard and the theme she spoke of was failure. (Harvard Magazine has the whole speech.) I thought that pretty ironic (yet a wise choice) considering that image-wise the words "failure" don't ever seem to come in the same breath as "Harvard."

JK's speech reminds us all that no matter how broke, down, and depressed you may be, you can climb out of it. She talks specifically about how your own imagination is the thing that can help catapult you to your dreams. I just LOVED that she focused on that because creativity and imagination are right-brain qualities often kaboshed in school.

I can relate very much to JK's "broke days" while working on her creative dreams because I'm right in the midst of that myself. Seriously, there are days when you wonder why you are sacrificing so much to make your dreams come true when it would be so much easier and more pleasant to just get a regular job and have a steady paycheck like everyone else. As time goes on, you do start feeling like a total failure especially when you see other people achieving their life goals making you feel like everything is passing you by. Yes, we all have our own paths and things come to us when it is due time. I like to think that it's kind of a test the universe puts you through to see just how committed you are, and to see what you'll bring out in yourself to get to your vision. And in the end, the victory is so much sweeter.

But one thing that I personally believe about failure which JK didn't mention was that it is only truly failure when you give up. Yes, you can screw up and make mistakes on your way to becoming that published author, PhD holder, CEO, parent, or whatever you dream of, but if you grow and learn from those mistakes and it gets you closer and closer to your dream than it is not failure in my book. It is "growth opportunity." I remember this every time I feel like giving up before seeing my dreams become reality.

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Starting your own biz: It's harder to get a driver's license than a business license

One thing that can seem intimidating in starting your own business is getting the business license. In fact, it's one excuse that people use to not move forward in their dream, "Oh getting the business license will be so hard."

Getting the business license

I can tell you this, at least in the state of California, that it is far easier and faster to get a business license as a sole proprietor, than it is to get a driver's license. If you can survive the pain in the arse that is the DMV,  then getting a business license is like a walk through the mall. In fact, in my city, getting the business license was faster then getting a manicure, standing in line at the post office, or waiting for a pill prescription, and it only cost a % of my projected earning for the first year which in most people's cases qualifies them for the minimum fee which in my city was $25. That's it! it took a handful of minutes and the price of a pair of Levi's jeans to make my business Thriving Media official in my city.

Getting a DBA

Before I got the license, I did have to go through the process of getting the business name "Thriving Media" official by going through a "Doing Business As" process which simply involved filing a petition with the city, paying a $30 fee, and then having the name printed in a local newspaper for 4 weeks which cost like $35. The public notice is to allow anyone to contest the name if they have it. In 99% of the time, your name won't be contested if you did some naming research.

If you want to do an S, C, or LLC corporation, then it will take more time and money, but with a slew of online sources and chamber of commerce services in your local town available, it's easier now than ever to create a corporation. Right off the bat, you can start as a sole proprietor and then switch to a corporation if it will help you ease into getting your business going.

Opening up a business bank account

With the business name official, and getting the business license, you can now open up a business bank account for your new business, and that process too is not only fast, but it is really pampering because banks LOVE business owners as clients. Oh yeah, because businesses bring in far greater lumps of money than individuals, so you will get the royal treatment as a new business owner. Banks like Wells Fargo and Bank of America also have many programs that cater to minority and women owned businesses. Other banks may have equally good programs so check your local branches.

But that's it folks. The actual paperwork to get your business going with the city and banks is extremely simple, easy, and stress free. The only pain is the imagined fear in your head, and really getting a driver's license requires far more work and stress. So, put your Inner Resistance Monster to bay, and start moving in the direction of making your dream of being your own boss a reality.

Yes, there are other things you'll have to set up with your business like getting an accountant, looking at insurance, and legal advice. But, what holds up most people is just getting the business license in the first place. I'm here to tell you that it's really easy. Piece of cake!

"Two Tiny Changes": 5 forgiveness tips + update

On Noshtopia last week, while reviewing the book "Quantum Wellness," I talked about forgiveness as a key pillar in quantum healing. As I get older, the thing I find most common in people who are living happy and healthy lives is that all of them have let go of past hurts and grudges. Their inner selves are filled with plenty of joy because they made room for it by cleaning out all the heavy hurts and bags of pain.

Really, think about that. It's simple math. A container only has so much room, so it becomes what it is filled most with. You have a choice to fill your container (you) with anger and hurt or with bliss and gladness. If you have too much pain, there is no room for the joy to come in, so in order to heal, you must first deal with the hurts. No amount of therapy, eating well, exercising, or medication is going to make you fully well until you first deal with the inner pains. Your Inner Resistance Monster would have you think otherwise.

If there's a lot to deal with inside, that's okay. Everyone has to start somewhere. It may take a great deal of work and time, but every tiny step you make to start dealing with that pain is one tiny step in the direction of your happiness and it's worth it. You're worth it. So, here's some ideas to get you moving:

• This week, pick one low hanging grudge, something minor, you've been holding onto and let it go. Forgive the other person and yourself.

• When you feel you can be emotionally objective for a moment, take a few minutes, and make a list of the top 5 things you'd like to forgive and heal, so you can let go of it. You don't need to take any action yet, just write the list. The simple act of writing the list states your intent, and is a move in the direction of your joy. When you are ready, start to tackle each item on the list one at a time.

• Ask yourself, "What am I gaining by holding onto these hurts, grudges, and pains?" The only reason we hold onto to anything is because of some perceived benefits whether real or imagined. For example, we hold onto the skinny jeans because the perceived benefit is that our lives will be magical and perfectly happy once we can wear those jeans again. Likewise with your pains and hurts, there is a part of you that is benefiting from holding onto the past. By looking at it consciously, you may find out that you don't even remember why you're even holding on to some of the hurts your holding on to. In other cases, you can gain insight on what you need to heal.

• Ask yourself, "What will I gain by letting go of these hurts, grudges, and pains?" One thing I can tell you right away is that you will start feeling less stress, anger, and resentment. Life will feel lighter. If you can start focusing on everything you will gain by starting to forgive and let go, you may find your motivation to start doing the work of letting go.

• Is it more important for you to be right or to have peace? Sometimes, we hold onto an anger or grudge because we need to feel that we were in the right, and we cannot forgive until that other person admits that they were wrong and you were right. But really, each person has a part in an argument, and each person has a part in the forgiveness process. Does it really matter who makes the first move, and is it really worth it to waste valuable peaceful times with friends, loved ones, or collegues simply because your ego needs to feel vindicated? Would you rather have peace or the heaviness of a continued stand-off?

Last week this is what I did:

• This is isn't tiny, lately I'm into big changes versus tiny ones, but I launched the new theme of Back in Skinny Jeans to go "Beyond the Tag" so that I could let go of making my body and weight the focal point of my life. Taking the step to change my blog direction, was not only scary but liberating. It was a tough change to make because successful bloggers don't usually change the course of their niche at the high point of their popularity. It's going to be a steady transition, but I'm glad that I did it because I now have more freedom to evolve and grow as a person.

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