So, if depression is your soul’s way of warning you that you are traveling too far from your true self and need to come back home, then I had traveled from Earth to Pluto. I remember having a dream, and it is one of those dreams that stick with you because it is so heart pounding in its simplicity. What makes it scary is that while in the dream, you are not aware it’s a dream because it takes place in your every day life. In this dream of mine, my alarm clock went off as usual and I woke up with that same dread I did every morning. I don’t want to go to work, that place makes me sick. I dragged myself to the bathroom, and splashed water on my face to wake up. On automatic pilot and eyes still closed, I grabbed the hand towel on the left wall rack as I did every morning to wipe my face off. After wiping the night off my face, I looked up into the mirror and saw only the wall of the bathroom in front of the mirror. My reflection was not in the mirror. I started to panic because I knew I was physically in that bathroom, and yet there was no reflection of me in the mirror. I grab the mirror with both hands to try and find some kind of proof that I existed, but nothing. I know I exist. I’m here. Why can’t I see myself? The panic and anxiety swell like a tidal wave, and I scream in terror. “Why!”
I jump up in bed, and it’s 4:30 in the morning, two more hours before I have to get ready for the day. I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. I’m sweaty. I look to see myself in the bedroom mirror, so I know I am here. When all is accounted for, I curl up like a baby and cry. I have had this same dream a few times, and I do not need a dream dictionary or shrink to tell me what it means. The dream is telling me that I can’t see my true self anymore because I have gotten rid of her. The true Stephanie does not exist in this world any more because I am doing everything in my power to be what other people expect me to be instead of who I want to be, or frankly, to be who I am. I have buried the real Stephanie because I am afraid to be her.
Time and bad experiences have solidified in my heart that being my true self equals brutality. As the years go by, I only foresee that when I shine my bright light, the dazzle, and vibrance that God gave me, I get brutalized by others who are jealous, and live small. I get betrayed, raped, humiliated, beaten, have love taken away from me, and made to feel small because those around me who are small are threatened. They are threatened not because they think this woman is better than them, they are threatened because this woman reminds them that they have chosen to live small. My brightness shines the light on their own darkness. You can no longer hide in a room where sunshine has appeared. Instead, of learning and growing from those brighter, these people choose to beat down those around them. If they can’t build themselves up, then they will darken those around them who illuminate. I do not fight back because I think I am alone. I do not fight back because a part of me is just so afraid they are right, and I loathe myself because I am so chicken shit.
In my dreams, my soul is not gently talking to me any more; it’s elevated to scare tactics. Makes sense because I am not listening any more. I try to stuff the gut feelings and the intuition. I am the one in power of my soul not the other way around. I am so blind and naïve. Actually, I am downright stupid and arrogant. No one can make it alone, and that includes trying to separate you from your own spirit and soul. You cannot do the work all by yourself. It’s supposed to be a team effort. It’s okay to ask for help, and I am learning the hard way.
I know that I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot live in fear of my light. I cannot pretend to be who I am not. I cannot punish myself any more because I have failed at being perfect. I cannot continue to carry my pain alone. I have a decision to make, I either chose to bring the real me back to this world and live, or I continue on my current path, and die. Perhaps not physically, but my soul will definitely die. In October of 2001, I chose to live and go back to my true self. It was the beginning of a death, and the beginning of a journey.
