Everyone makes New Years resolutions, but I stopped doing that years ago because I would make them and then by January 5th I would inevitably slip, and then keep on slipping. It would then start the whole self loathing part of why I can’t be disciplined, and why can’t I be “perfect.” The drive to be perfect has been the dominant motivator in my life, as it is for many women. The yo-yo to and from the skinny jeans is part of that whole “perfect” picture we need in order to complete the scene.
This year though, I have decided to make just one New Year’s resolution. Why is this year any different than before? Well, I realized that one of the positive things about New Year’s resolutions is that it gives you a goal to strive for. All those years I spent trying to be perfect actually made me very goal oriented, and so because of that I was able to accomplish everything I ever wanted to do in my life. I can honestly say that if I died tonight, I have done almost everything I wanted to do on this planet. However, I realized the other day that I have not done EVERYTHING I wanted to do. What’s left? I don’t want to leave this planet afraid, and right now in all honesty, I live in fear. I look at everything in my life at the moment that I am not happy with or where I feel stuck, and realize that it all revolves around one basic fear. So, my New Year’s resolution for 2006 is: Face my fear of living a bigger life, and finally step into it.
Facing this fear has more to do with my career than anything else. Actually, it’s not about career it’s about living my life purpose. I am one of those believers that everyone is born with special skills and talents that are designed to make the world a better place. Even if you don’t think that you have something special, I’m telling you that you do. Our whole reason for living is learning how to become more loving spirits. Living on earth is nothing but one huge learning lesson, and each of us have particular lessons that we need to learn. One of mine is learning that I am lovable faults and all.
I have spent the last 2 years of my life hiding. I would not admit that before, but taking a hard look at my life, I know that is the truth. Looking at every place where I am stuck in my life I know is because I will not move forward. My life is very safe, but I am nowhere near utilizing the gifts and talents God gave me, and Dr. Phil would tell me that is selfish of me. He’s right.
So, one of the first things I am going to do with facing my fear of living a bigger life is to share with you some of the things that have been keeping me from moving forward. It will be a gut wrenching experience to share some of these things publicly, but I am doing it not only to help face my fear, but to help others. By sharing my personal story of pain and sorrow, perhaps I can help make a difference to someone else’s life. If anything, you’ll know that you’re not alone, and that there can be positive endings to painful stories.
