After the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out, my next un-favorite, tormenting experience is all the "Get in bikini shape in time for summer." It starts with all the pictures of half-naked coeds on Spring break in Cancun or Fort Lauderdale, and then you see it peed all over the front covers of EVERY women's magazine. Yes, E-V-E-R-Y women's magazine has something about getting in bathing suit shape in time for the summer. Even if the magazine is about crocheting, there will be some article in it like, "Tips to look fantastic in your hand-crafted,crocheted bikini."
There will still be blizzard snow in February, but in all the department stores will be racks filled with this year's hottest swimwear. You'll be dressed in a turtle neck up to your ears because it's 30 degrees outside, but you'll be swimming in bathing suit galore as you wade through all the racks filled with beachwear at Macys and Nordies. Dare you even try a bathing suit on yet. Naw! You've got 3 months to buy every magazine off the rack to help you get in bikini shape by summer.
We've got three months to start eating celery sticks, eliminate sugar and fat, do cardio 6 times a week, and hold lotus position for 90 seconds every other day. We'll get bombarded with tv commercials with hot 51 year old grannies on her Bowflex. If the geezer can do it, then so should your sorry, excuse, for a potato couch self be able to also. Of course, there will also be the pill popping commercials where you see the size 12 school teacher shrink down to a size 4 right before your skinny, craving eyes.
Just looking at bathing suits makes me react like a lactose intolerant who's just had a glass of 2% with Ovaltine. Every year, I wish that I can just have one summer where I can wear a bathing suit and be carefree. I've some close a few times, but I have never been able to put on beachwear, and feel confident at the same time. I secretly envy the women who know what it's like to feel totally hot in a bikini.
