I cried the first time I heard Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" because it spoke so closely to my own experience of physical and emotional abuse with a man I once loved. It took nearly 10 years for me to heal from that experience to the point where I can think of that guy and feel nothing but a past memory.
Yes, there are still some affects of that relationship on current relationships with men, but the difference is that I choose to not let the hurt trap me to the point where I cannot trust or make my heart vulnerable to another person. I do my best to not over eat to stuff and self medicate the pain. I hold onto the believe that there is a love for me where I can be my best self.
I choose to not beat myself up any more for having set backs when I revert to old protection mechanisms. I am not baggage free but I no longer need to feel drama or the need to be perfect. My flaws are beautiful too. That guy hurt me badly yes, but, I finally realized that holding onto what he did to me, only kept me attached to him, and kept me from ever being able to be happy with someone new who would be wonderful to me and who would love me the way I deserve.
Freedom starts with forgiveness. Forgiveness of the guy and forgiveness of myself. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or letting him of the hook. Forgiveness means freeing myself from the pain, the shame, the guilt. Forgiveness means acknowledging that I did the best I could at the time, and that I had a lesson to learn as well. Forgiveness means that I don't have to be afraid any more.
Here's a remake of "Because of You" with Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson. This version is terrific too.
