This is my first Valentine's Day without Matt. Our breakup will be officially 6 months on February 19, and last week, I was starting to feel that dread. You know that dread that many single people who want sweehearts and candies on Valentines but know it will not come because, well, you're single. Yeah, you'll get stuff from mom & dad, girl friends, co-workers, or grandma, and I don't want to downplay the importance of receiving love and affection from those you love, but what I'm talking about it is the stuff that you get from a romantic love.
The Valentine's stuff from that romantic one I'm talking about doesn't even have to be big things like a dozen red roses or an "I Love You" on the Jumbotron, it can be small things like an "I heart you" text on your cell, a little hand scribbled note he hid in your purse, or even a "My girl is wonderful" on Twitter. Even a single little Hershey's kiss from that cute boy at work you have a secret crush on is something to share on a party line with all your girl friends.
The three Valentine's Days I had with Matt were all very sweet. Of all the people I have ever known in my life, Matt is the best at gift giving. He is a true gift giver. What makes him an amazing gift gifter is not the physical object he gets as a gift but the meaning behind the gift. Last year, Matt was tight with money because he was between contract jobs, so to save on money he decided to cook me dinner. I told him the fact that he wanted to cook dinner was a gift in itself, so he need not worry about buying me anything. But, he did anyway, and he said it was something small and not too expensive, but he thought I would love it.
Matt went to one of my favorite bookstores, the East West bookstore in Mountain View, and got me this tiny statuette from a line of female-energy inspired statuettes from this beautiful artist. This figurine that Matt got me represented "Wisdom." Matt told me that he thought I was one of the smartest people he's known, and since I was in the middle of still trying to figure out what to do career-wise, I would be smart enough to figure it out soon. The Wisdom figure was to help remind me of what I already had...So, yeah, after hearing that story, I balled like you do when your favorite Spanish novella soap opera couple finally hook up. But see. This is what I mean when I talk about true gifts, and Matt is a gold medalist. So, you can see a bit why this Valentines could be tough for me.
Feeling that Valentine's Day dread combined with my friend issue and wicked toothache this weekend, I started to get that spinning in a flushed toilet bowl feeling. It's yucky and depressing. It would be so easy for me to wallow in self pity and depression at the fact that I don't have my love with me to share on Valentine's Day. BUT, here's the big but, and for once I don't mind having a big old but, I decided this year instead of trying to run away from the whole "Valentine's Day" hooplah, I'm deciding to run right into it. Yup, I'm going to jump right in, and celebrate Valentine's Day as big as I can think of.
Why the hell not? I'm not going to let the lack of a sweeheart steal my joy. What is the point of sitting around the house in sweats, eating bon bons by myself crying and living a sad country song in real life, "woe-is-me-my-lover-dun-left-me-wit-nothin-but-a-brokenheart." I've done that many times over my lifetime, and what did it get me? It got me a depressed day. Seriously, screw that! And frankly, with everything I've been through lately with loss, I'm not going to lose one happy day, actually this whole week, when I know I have the power to choose to be happy. I can choose to celebrate me and the abundant life I do have. I can choose to celebrate the people I do love and who love me, romantic or not. I can choose to focus showering my Valentine's Day with love. So, that is what I'm going to.
I haven't any details yet, but I know it will involve food, giving, something luxuriating because I need that right now, and something with flowers, most likely tulips since that is my favorite flower. I'll be sure to share all the details. But in the meantime, if any of you have any ideas for me to help make my Valentines Day a hot, sexy, fun one, please share. I'd love to hear any and all suggestions!