Winning an argument can be a great feeling, but it's even better when you can get your point across while not having your opponent feel like they have been beaten, broken, or lost out. Winning is best when it is win/win for both parties. Is that even possible? Absolutely! Your Inner Resistance Monster wants you to believe that in order for one person to win, the other has to lose, but this is not always the case. The good news is that this diplomacy skill can be learned so that you become better at creating win/win situations. The better I got at being diplomatic, the better my people skills got and the better all my relationships became; personal, work, online, or even dealing with bill collectors. Here's some tips to help you with diplomacy:
- The best state of mind to go into a discussion where you know there will be opposing points of view is to be calm. A wise one told me once, "He who controls his breath controls the room." He told me that calm people are always in control of their breathing, and if you notice, their breathing is slow, deep, and steady because when you breathe this way your body has a better chance of remaining physically calm. If you remain calm, others tend to follow suit. If not, eventually they will simmer down because who wants to argue with a calm person. The key though is to be calm & present versus calm & distant.
- One of the toughest times to be diplomatic and calm is when you are dealing with "institutions" like any government agency, gatekeepers, or the department of motor vehicles. Who hasn't wanted to strangle someone at DMV? There are times when I notice that I am starting to sound bitchy and mean which only makes the other person defensive, thus making it almost impossible for me to get what I need. In this situation, to diffuse the tension that is arising, I say, "Look, I'm sorry for being a pain the ass. I know it is not you. I know you're just doing your job and following company policies. You have a tough job to do. So, again I apologize for my rudeness. {By now, the other person is feeling better and lowering their defenses, and they will typically say unless you've been a complete a-hole, "Oh that's okay. I can see why you're upset.} With a better understanding of each other, I can now ask, "So, really, are there any other options available to me. I'll even talk to a manager or higher up if you want me to." By saying..."if you want me to"...it makes that person feel like you'd take the burden of doing something they don't want to do like talk to a superior which in actuality would be ideal if you could talk to that superior. 9 out of 10 times, I end up getting what I need without having to talk to that superior.
- One of the best ways to disarm your opponent's defensiveness and edge your way into getting your points in is through compliments. Yes, the old adage "you get farther with honey than you do with spice" still works wonders. The best types of compliments include ones about the person's smarts, passion or wisdom. Examples include, "I admire a person who is passionate about their ideals. May I respond with the same passion."..."You are obviously very educated on this topic. May I add some more information to add to your knowledge."..."I can see your point. Someone with your insight and wide perspective without a doubt can see other points of view."
- When things get really heated and everyone including yourself is reacting out of pure emotions where nothing is getting accomplished except frustration, the best thing is to just stop and say, "I think we need a break to cool off, rest, and get our perspective back. Let's talk about this more {designate a specific date/time}." When debates have been going on for a long time people are just tired, and when we get tired and cranky nothing win/win can manifest. It's okay and good to stop to re-group.
- Sometimes, a win/win can simply be, "We agree to disagree." Both of you acknowledge that each has their set point of view, and it isn't going to budge, but that's okay. A discussion does not have always have to end with "I'm right. You're wrong." For the moment, it can simply be, "We agree to disagree."
Last week, this is what I did tiny changes-wise:
- With gas prices being so high where I live {it's now at $4.51/gallon for 87 gas}, I have been more diligent about asking myself if I really need to drive that day. It's gotten me better at planning my outings so that I don;t have to drive every day of the week. I'd rather spend money on food, than on gas which right now is where I've been cutting for gas money.
