I got a big dose of reality check this weekend when a wise one said to me:
"Self sabotage, the act of undermining your own wellness, happiness, and success, whether conscious or not, is you taking on the role of punisher, abuser, or bully...against yourself."
{Steph sits in her chair with stillness as the concept sinks in}
Wise one went on to say:
"Why would you raise a hand or voice in mistreatment to yourself if you would not do that to another human being? Why are you less deserving of the same kindness, patience, and compassion that you would bestow to others?"
Okay, hello! See what I mean by serious fill of reality check. If you think and behave in these terms, it would not make sense unless you want to be hypocritical, to treat others well, and then treat yourself badly. For example, all that negative body image chatter that goes on in your head about your "fat thighs, ugly muffin top, and crater like skin," would you ever say the exact same thing to other people about them. Oh hell no! And let me ask you this....
Why is it okay to say these negative things to yourself?
It's not. What quickly dawned on me were my "You're not good enough" internal speeches where I start getting down on myself because I don't have enough, I am not enough, or the endless...if only I had. I would never say these speeches to other people because it would be hurtful and potentially damaging. In fact, it's ironic that I am pretty darn good at the pep talk and my friends always come to me when they need a boost or help seeing the brighter perspective. I am much better today at giving myself my own pep talks, but admittedly, there is still some unrealistic Perfect Girl lingering around which I am still healing.
This whole conversation with the wise one came up because I have been struggling a bit lately with success. Other people have fears of failure, I have fears of success. That may sound weird to many of you but I'll elaborate a bit more in later blog posts.
For now, let's focus on self sabotage.
When the fears of success start rearing it's ugly head, my self sabotaging usually starts with my Inner Resistance Monster doing what he does best...create resistance and procrastination. And then the negative voices start like the "You're not good enough speeches" and then the random acts of self undermining start like oh "forgetting" an application deadline, over eating, stopping of exercise, and dropping of projects that would catapult my goals .
If I don't catch myself and embrace myself in the love of my support system, the self sabatoging volume can turn up, and I could easily find myself basking in self disempowerment because I'd be letting the fears take over. This is the primary difference between people who reach their goals and dreams and those who do not, the previous feel the fear and move forward any way, the latter let's fear stop them. As well, the previous are tough yet kind to themselves, and the latter beats themselves up because again of the "you're not good enough, you don't deserve any good" negativity.
You are producing results but are they what you really want
The point of the wise one was not to make me feel bad, guilty or shameful about my self sabatoging motions, but to add some perspective. The self sabotage is serving a purpose or else I would not need it or use it. If we take judgment out of the picture for a moment and simply look at the results I'm producing, are these results getting me what I really want? Honestly, not really. So, I need to change my actions to produce different results that get me what I do want.
But even deeper, I had never seen that parts of me could be punisher, abuser, or bully. I usually only see "victim." This is hard to look at those darker places about yourself, but necessary in order to evolve. And indeed, why do I feel at times that others deserve better treatment than myself? Don't I deserve to be treated well (by me) like I treat others?
And, the BIG question...
Wise one asked me. "Can you make a promise not to me or even yourself, but to God that you shall never raise a harmful hand or voice to yourself ever again?"
My inital reaction was "Oh fuck no!" {That was in my head} Because in an instant it dawned on me the ways in which I currently say things and do things to myself that I wouldn't say or do to other people like for example, the "you're not good enough" chatter. I've been doing that for years, and Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will changing my defeating habits. So, I can not make a promise to God and be 100% because he'll know cuz well, he's God.
So I said, "I can promise for now that I aspire to live my life that way. I want to be my best supporter not punisher. When the negativity and self sabatoging starts, I will now be conscious and ask myself, would I say or do any of these things to other people? It only makes sense that I would do for myself what I would do for others because I deserve as much kindness, patience, and compassion as I give to them."
Most importantly, we are going to take this one day at a time. If we screw up and slip along the way, that's okay. Mistakes are how you learn and grow. What matters is how you expand. It was amazing to me how a couple simple questions from the wise one made me see sharply and shifted my perspective. It's like putting on glasses and seeing clearly when you thought you saw pretty okay before.
After being with the wise one, I went to go make dinner, and as a small homework assignment, I asked myself, if Buddha came to eat, what would I serve with what I got? I ended up chopping some vegetables and sauteeing them with ground turkey and serving the mix over a bed of rice. That takeout pizza all of a sudden didn't sound as beneficial. I thought too that after eating, he'd enjoy a stroll along the lagoon, so I did that, and boy was that wonderful!
What are some ways you've used or experienced to evolve beyond any self sabotaging tendencies?
