Back in skinny jeans

Best of BISJ: How do you rationalize yourself out of your weight loss work?

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted October 30, 2007
-----------------------------------

The beginnings of weight loss programs are always filled with enthusiasm, commitment, and diligence because you are intoxicated with the idea of getting back into your skinny jeans lickety split.

The problem is never the beginning of your weight loss journey, it's the middle where all the hard, sweaty, calorie-counting work takes place. Somewhere in the middle, resistance starts, and the rationalizing begins. You start to rationalize yourself out of doing your workouts or sticking to your diet plan. In most cases, it always starts small like:

• "I'll do 3 workouts instead of 5 this week and just double up on the time." (But, you don't)

• "Having a couple gooey sugary treats is not going to throw my diet off." (But, it does)

• "I'll start over on Monday." (But, Monday came and  went)

• "I'm too tired to go workout. I have all this work to do, so I have to stay at work longer. I hear they are bringing in Chinese for dinner. I'd rather eat Kung Pao than pow-wow in kick boxing class." (But, work always comes first)

The bottom line is that if you want to get back in those skinny jeans and shed that muffin top, you have to do the work, consistently and committedly. The only difference between those who reach their goal and those who don't is consistent commitment to success. You have to make your goal a priority and stick to it.

Yes, you'll have bad days, and slip up days because you're human, but in the long run, if you want to get into that slinky hot black dress, you have to stop with the rationalizing out of your weight loss commitments. Each rationale, although seemingly small, adds up over time to the point where you end up staying at square one. You can reach your goal if you focus on your success and do the work.

Best of BISJ: The Leather Jacket Metaphor: How flaws make us more interesting

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted April 24, 2008
-----------------------------------

Over at Comrade GoGo, I was writing a comment in reference to the notion that no one wants "problem people" aka people who are not perfect or acceptable some how because they have been damaged, flawed, or "wrecked" in some way.

For years, I didn't date because deep down I thought what guy is going to want let alone love some girl who's been raped, been dealing with bulimia for years, been on anti-depressants, has stretch marks from being overweight, and constantly has a muffin top that just won't go away.

Sounds completely absurd on the screen, but this is what lived in my head for years and kept me single. I chose to be single over being intimate with another human because the fear of rejection and judgment was debilitating.

The Upside to Pain
But somehow I got over it because I had a greater fear of dying a spinster alone in a cold apartment with no love anywhere just because I was afraid to give love a chance. If I ended up being that spinster alone on my death bed I wanted it to be because of choice or because I gave it my best shot and it just wasn't in the cards, not because I was eh-scared to even take a chance in the first place.

It never occurred to me that all that tragedy in my life also made me a more empathetic, compassionate, and an evolved human being. This blog exists today because of those experiences. Behind every enlightened wise human is also a life of tragedy, trauma, and loss. You cannot grow without pain.

The Leather Jacket Metaphor
But put simply, some guy told me this metaphor years ago about flaws. He said that people love old leather jackets because over time the jacket becomes more interesting and full of character after years of the leather being beaten up, abused, and weathered. The jacket feels more real and soft over time.

Who wants a brand new, shiny, stiff, leather jacket? The imperfections is what makes the distressed version more desirable. Same thing with jeans and that favorite t-shirt.

That metaphor stuck in my head for years, and has helped get over feeling like my flaws are "bad" things. Around the same time, I learned how scars make better tattoos. The flaws are what make me interesting, and when I really started to embrace that I got to experience my first great love. He loved ALL of me.

Best of BISJ: Food and Sex: The Chocolate Meditation

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted March 21, 2006
Written by Maria de los Angeles of Sex and The Beach
-----------------------------------

Everyone has “relationships” with food and sex.  How you eat reflects a greater part of who you are and how you make love, which begs volumes of questions. 

Do you rush through a meal or do you savor each bite?  Do you surrender completely into joy and abundance, be it a delicious meal or a lover’s caress?  Do you accept nurturing?  Or do you present yourself as an antagonist in your own drama?

Every morsel of food that goes into your mouth and each person you kiss are all a glimpse of the relationship you have with yourself.

More questions to ponder: “If I don’t absolutely love my sagging breasts, how can I expect my lover to love them unconditionally?  If I don’t simply adore a yummy meal, how can I expect it to be nutritious?”

Being “absent-minded” but “fully present” in the heart is a good thing when it comes to food and sex. You become accountable, giving and being present with yourself, what you eat and of course, how you express yourself sexually.

The chocolate meditation is a great exercise in surrender and enjoyment … so relax and enjoy!

• Take ONE little piece of chocolate. Unfold it. 
• Let the chocolate linger in your hands for a minute or so, before you gently place it on your tongue. Your  mouth is a sacred point of nutrition and the place from where you express yourself.  It’s a communion and a source of great pleasure. 
• Once inside your mouth, let the chocolate melt and become part of you. 
• Take about ten minutes and then ponder:  “Am I enjoying all aspects of my life, even the difficult moments, in similar fashion?  Am I eating with such grace?  Am I having sex with such focus and concentration?”

Take the time to just take the time for your pleasure.

Best of BISJ: Bikini meet torment

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted March 21, 2006

-----------------------------------

After the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out, my next un-favorite, tormenting experience is all the "Get bikini ready for summer" hoopla we see everywhere.

I'm tormented because a part of me secretly would like to prance around the pool like Salma Hayek in a two piece because let's be real some of that code still exists in my software. But there is another part, a thankfully growing part of me that feels, "Isn't there more to life than being bikini ready?"

Can you people please have some mercy and stop bombarding us with bikini propaganda which actually isn't motivating but really more "I'm not good enough" inducing.

The "bikini ready" torment starts with all the pictures of half-naked coeds on Spring break in Cancun or Fort Lauderdale, and then you see "bikini ready" peed all over the front covers of EVERY women's magazine.

Yes, E-V-E-R-Y women's magazine has something about getting in bathing suit shape in time for the summer. Even if the magazine is about crocheting, there will be some article in it like, "Tips to look fantastic in your hand-crafted crocheted bikini."

There will still be blizzard snow in February, but in all the department stores will be racks filled with this year's hottest swimwear. You'll be dressed in a turtle neck up to your ears because it's 30 degrees outside, but you'll be swimming in bathing suit galore as you wade through all the racks filled with beachwear at Macy's and Nordies.

Dare you even try a bathing suit on yet? Naw! You've got 3 months to buy every "bikini ready" magazine to help you get in bikini shape by bikini summer.

We've got three months to start eating celery sticks, eliminate sugar and fat, do cardio 6 times a week, and hold lotus position for 90 seconds every other day.

We'll get bombarded with TV commercials with hot 51 year old grannies on her Bowflex. Oh, and of course she's wearing a bikini at the pool with the hot young guy. Damn cougar!

The vision of hawt geezer shames us onto the elliptical and eating Zone friendly foods. Along with Bowflex granny, there will also be the pill popping commercials where you see the size 12 school teacher shrink down to a size 4 right before your skinny craving eyes. More bikini brainwashing.

Every year, I wish that I can just have one summer where I can wear a bathing suit and be carefree about my body without nitpicking or flaw finding. I've some close a few times and avoiding all the "bikini ready" propaganda helps, but I have never been able to put on beachwear, and feel "tah-dah!" confident at the same time. And again, it's because there is still some of that old code in my software that kicks in when we see the bikinis.

One day, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin in a bathing suit and just enjoy the beach and rays. Instead of "Just Do It" it would be "Just Be." Somewhere inside, I feel I will have that day sooner than later because I do know there is indeed far more important things, more life enriching things than being bikini ready by summer.

Best of BISJ: Positive thinking: How much of your day do you focus on what you CAN do?

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted August 25, 2008

-----------------------------------

If I asked you to give me a number in percentages of, "How much of your day do you focus on what you can do?" What would your answer be: 5%, 20%, 75%? Do you have to stop and really think about your answer?

Now, if I asked you, "How much of your day do you focus on what you can't do?" What would that answer be: 5%, 20%, 75%? And, did that "Can't" answer come to you must faster than when I asked you about what you "Can" do? 

If so, and you wonder why certain things in your life are not working out or manifesting the way you'd like, perhaps it is because you spend more time focusing on the Can'ts than the Cans.

Remember, what you focus on increases.

The universe doesn't care if it's good or bad energy. It just sees the amount of energy, and starts attracting similar energy back to you.

For example, if you spend 75% of your day focused on "Can't thoughts" like:

• I can't ask that guy out because he's too cute and probably likes swimsuit models.
• Why enter the talent contest because there's more talented people than me.
• I can't eat that hamburger because I'll get fat.
• I can't ask my man for what I really need because he'll leave me.
• I can't be happy until I lose the last 10 pounds.
• I can't ask for that promotion I deserve because I don't want to look greedy.

You are creating a life full of Can't, so how can the universe help you, or better yet, how can you help yourself if your thinking is flooded with Can't. As well, all that Can't thinking will drain you of energy and positivity.

Now, on the flip side, for example, if you spent 75% of your day thinking "Can thoughts" like:

• I can be happy just as I am right now.
• I can achieve my dreams because I believe I deserve them.
• I can talk to my man about some tough subjects because I know he loves me.
• I can eat half of that hamburger and satisfy my craving without consuming too many calories.
• I am really good at [enter your talent], so I can add value to others.
• I can reach my goals, because I've reached goals before so I can do it again.

You are creating a life full of Cans, which makes you feel hopeful, more exuberant, and armed with more confidence to go for what you need and want. As well, notice how your positivity energy increased just from reading this Can list?

So what are you waiting for? Start filling your days with "I can...."

Best of BISJ: Chats in therapy: "Am I screwed up or brilliant?"

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted July 24, 2007.

In the early days of BISJ, I used to share stories about my episodes on the therapist couch. This specific scene happened about 2002. The point in sharing some of my own neurosis was to help make people feel less uptight about their own journey because that can be easy to do. I know. I used to be the queen of making rivers out of puddles.

-----------------------------------

“You know what Meg, I just feel completely screwed up. I'm totally broken. Let’s face it. I'm so dysfunctional that I must have every neurosis known to human kind.

I mean, who’s going to want to be with me? Who would want to marry or hire someone who is as fucked up in the head as me? Tell me.”

“First let’s put a little perspective on things just so we can be clear about where we are. You don’t have every neurosis or dysfunction that a woman could have because I’ve seen people with much bigger issues than you, and you know people yourself who are much worse off than you."

Well, she is right there. I'll give her that. My drama queen tendencies can get the best of me sometimes. That's why we see someone who can be objective and calm.

"To you, at this moment it feels like you are the worst of the bunch, but you aren’t. The part you're struggling with is the perfectionist who still thinks everything is a complete disaster if things did not go perfectly. Granted, yes you have quite a few things to deal with, but nothing that can't be healed." (more after the jump)

Best of BISJ: Skinny Myth: "When I'm thin, Prince Charming will show up"

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted August 2, 2007

-----------------------------------

I believe that one of the most powerful skinny myths women buy into is, "When I reach my goal weight and get skinny, Prince Charming will show up and I will be loved and adored." Raise your hand if this belief was one of the motivating factors in at least one of your weight loss efforts. [My hand is up.]

So, why is that so many of us buy this belief?

For me, it started in high school. I noticed that all the popular girls who were always thin and pretty always had boys swarming all over them, talking about them, and wanting to date them. I wanted to be one of those girls, and Junior year, I did become one of those "desired" chicks after shedding 20 pounds, getting contacts, visiting a dermatologist to clear up my acne, and growing out my hair a few inches. I was even nominated for Homecoming Princess. Yeah, big dream come true!

After high school, I spent the next umpteenth years staring at celebrity couples and models in the fashion magazines. [more after the jump]

Best of BISJ: The worst thing you can do after a break-up: Compare yourself to others

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted August 31, 2007 written 2 weeks after my breakup with boyfriend of 3 years. We lived together too. We broke up because I asked the question and wanted a serious answer this time, "Where is this going?" Oh yeah...

-----------------------------------

Wednesday was the worst emotional day I have had since the break-up two weeks ago. I lost it in a monumentally huge way and spent half the day crying, screaming, and feeling the hatred/resentment stage coming on.

I even destroyed some nick nacks in a fit of calamatious rage. I just had to literally break some things in order to vent. It all started when Matt told me that our former next door neighbor, Carrie (not her real name) was pregnant.

Now Carrie met this guy through her job and started dating him in February of this year. She moved in with him in May. They got engaged in June, and in August found out that she is pregnant. Carrie is on top of the moon, and blissfully happy.

She met her soul mate and is just thrilled beyond belief. Now, I know (logically) that her relationship has happened at Superman speed and who knows if they will last because they really just met, but my emotions don't care about any of that logical stuff.

Oh no! All the emotions heard was "She's getting married to her soul mate and having a kid and living in a new house and you are not and you are 9 years older than her, you childless old spinster bag you who's just been dumped by your non-committal boyfriend of 3 years." Again, it's all insecure irrational break up emotion but that is what bubbled to the surface: my humanness.

The news of Carrie was then the tipping point to comparing myself to everyone else I know and what life changes they have experienced in the 3 years that Matt and I have been together.

Best of BISJ: Dear Steph: Help! My Inner Resistance Monster has taken over the driver's seat

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted June 26, 2008

-----------------------------------

Dear Steph,

I have a more philosophical question about the Inner Resistance Monster. Where does it come from? Mine feels like it's in the driver's seat lately, not the passenger seat, much less the backseat. It feels like it's in charge and despite my best intentions, it's hell bent on cookie binging and making excuses for skipping workouts. Can you discuss where it comes from, what it responds to and of course, how to get it out of the driver's seat.

Heather

----------------

Dear Heather,

Ah yes! Our friend the Inner Resistance Monster. In fact, one way to start achieving peace with your IR Monster is to start looking at him/her as a friend and not a foe, albeit on the surface, it may not look or feel friendly, but really the IR Monster is here to help you grow.

In a nutshell, the Inner Resistance Monster is that part of you that is the protector of your fears. All of us have fears about particular things, and typically fears are related to things like loss, pain, suffering, humiliation or heart break; things typically labeled “bad” that we want to avoid or never experience. Fears are also related to loss of power, control, and the known. If you notice, your fears will typically intensify when you start to venture into the “unknown.”

What is the IR Monster’s job?

Best of BISJ: Is Diet Blogging a Helpful or Hurtful Thing?

Best of Back in Skinny Jeans: Originally posted October 13, 2008

-----------------------------------

Jezebel wrote an interesting post asking: Is it possible to write about your weight struggles for a living and emerge unscathed? Since I am one of the top bloggers in the diet/fit niche category going on 3 years now and making a living from this topic, I thought this an excellent question to answer especially for those of you who are thinking about starting to blog to track your weight loss efforts, and/or want to make money blogging about it. My answer:

"Using blogging as a tool to help you lose weight is very helpful when done within parameters."

By far, from my experience, the key difference between helpful diet blogging and hurtful diet blogging is parameters, boundaries. And I will scream it from the roof tops people, set boundaries!

One of the reasons Back in Skinny Jeans has climbed to the top of the heap in the diet/fit blog category is that I, Stephanie the blogger, have established boundaries for me and for this blog. So, to help you have a more helpful versus hurtful diet blogging experience, here are 5 pieces of advice that I give to all new diet/fit bloggers around creating boundaries: