Note: This was the very first picture I used in the blog header when Back in Skinny Jeans launched in November 2005.
A while back, I was on one of those “let’s-meet-for-coffee-because-we-met-online-and-don’t-want-to-commit-to-anything-serious-like-potstickers-and-Kung Pao chicken” first dates. Here’s a snippet of our conversation:
Him: “So, you’re a writer?”
Me: “Well actually, I’m a blogger.”
Him: “Really? Well that’s cool. I think it’s fascinating that people can make a living blogging. So what do you blog about?”
Me: “I blog about healthy living, body image, weight loss…..stuff like that.”
My date then stares into my face with wide open eyes for a moment giving me a kinda deer in headlights look. Immediately I assume he’s thinking, “Oh gawd, are you one of those salad picking chicks who will constantly ask me “Does this make me look fat?”…and then blog about it.”
My first instinct…
Me: “Oh,oh, no…. I really focus more on holistic mind, body, spirit. It’s more about overall healthiness than just losing weight and looking like a hot chick. Really, I eat all the time. I like food, maybe too much. I even food blog too but not in an obsessive calorie counting way…no really….I have a much better relationship with food than I did when I was younger which yeah did include some salad picking only days. But, all that is past stuff. You know…me and food are good…like gin & tonic good.”
{I feel like I’m a rambling Bridget Jones during one of her “speeches”}
Him: “So, are you back in your skinny jeans?”
I cringe when he asks me that question, but politely smile. Although it may have come out a bit tacky, I can’t really be mad at the guy because it is a valid question since that is the name of my blog. But, I feel uptight.
...The skinny jeans is like the modern day glass slipper ...
I never saw the guy again. It was simply one of those pleasant nice to meet you coffee dates. But what stuck in my craw was, “Why was I explaining myself and feeling all awkward about my blog?” I can’t put my finger on it…yet. But I did figure it out, and the answer will affect the future of this blog.
The blogger pocket book
I pondered that question for weeks. During that time, I was also seriously reevaluating my blogging career because I’ve made no secret of this, making money in the healthy living blog niche has been really tough and I’m still not standing on my own two feet. And frankly, I’m really kinda done living like a “who-knows-where-money-is-going-to-come-from” frugalista.
I tried the 8-week Everyday Tweet blog experiment which turned out to be a blog fail because as much as I love Twitter and am doing very well on the platform, I don’t want to blog about Twitter all the time. The 8-week hiatus from blogging on Back in Skinny Jeans was terrific, and frankly towards the end, I woke up one morning very calm, and literally was like, “I’m done. I’m done blogging Back in Skinny Jeans.” Yes, that was very major, and even more so because I was still and peaceful.
But then I thought, "I just can't quit the blog. My online brand is built around Back in Skinny Jeans. What would I do?"
Asking one simple question can change everything
During my blog hiatus, I celebrated my birthday and it dawned on me, “How old do you have to be to stop obsessing about your body and your looks?”
It’s a good question to ask.
I have been obsessing about my body and looks ever since I was in Junior high school, and am now in my 40’s, and really, how much longer will I continue to obsess about my jeans size, wrinkles, flab, and crow’s feet? Do I want to be 45, 50 etc and still be fixated about being back in the skinny jeans? I've been blogging about this topic for 3 years and 8 months, how much longer do I want to continue?
At what age, do we women just stop focusing on the physical?
If you read the women’s magazines and sites, the answer would be never because entire industries are built around our constant insecurities about our looks and our continuous desire to be youthful and thin. We are taught to believe that female social currency is based on our physical beauty.
The true answer to when we stop focusing on the physical is this: It stops when YOU stop. That’s it.
A Buddhist principle is that all suffering is in the mind. I pondered this concept: beauty suffering is grounded in the mind. If I eliminate or change what I think about and focus on, then it follows that I can end my suffering and struggle with my body. My body is not the root of my suffering, my mind is. And equally, my body is not the root of my happiness, my mind is.
{Let that sink in a moment}
It's all within, and it is all about YOU
There is nothing outside of you that will make you stop obsessing about your body and your looks. YOU have to decide that you will no longer make your body and beauty the focus of your life. YOU have to stop attaching your self esteem, your self-worth, and your self-love to something external to you. YOU must become conscious that you are chasing an illusion and not a reality.YOU must ask for help and take responsibility for your healing if you find yourself dealing with anything that is causing harm to your health, life, and those around you.
The illusion is that being thin and beautiful (by society’s standards) will make your life perfect, happy, and fulfilled. The illusion is that once we can wear the skinny jeans again, we can be the person we always dreamed we could be, and have the glossy life we fantasize about.
The skinny jeans is like the modern day glass slipper, as we also expect Prince Charming and the prettiness kingdom to appear along with the jeans. The attachment to that beauty illusion is what drives us to our darker sides to desperate and dangerous measures and to superficiality. We are sometimes even willing to put our lives at risk for this illusion.
We buy into the illusion that things outside of us will bring us what we feel lacking on the inside. The reality is you already have everything you want on the inside. It’s always been there, and you will start to see it and appreciate it as soon as you just STOP putting all the emphasis on the external.
This principle is not new, and honestly, for years, I thought it was crap. But after experiencing myself being thin and adored for it, being a millionaire, having some level of fame, and of having “perfect-like” boyfriends, I can tell you that you can have all that and still be amazingly miserable and unfulfilled.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel your best. Having a vibrant body is fabulous. Makeup, clothes, shoes, and shopping are very much fun parts of being a girl. I love all that stuff myself. But, those things in of themselves are simply that, things. They are just things, not who we are, and that is where the illusion tricks us.
The gift to myself that made the difference
For my birthday this year, my gift to myself was the decision and feeling, “I am whole.”
And honestly, I think this is the best gift I have ever given myself. I've gotten myself cars, clothes, shoes, and trips and as fabulous as all those gifts were, they still pale to the gift of feeling whole, and living like a whole person.
Yes, I have damage, flaws, and imperfections, but I am whole. Yes, I still have a bit of a muffin top I’d like to drop and I don’t have a husband or sustainable income (yet), but I am still whole. I suffered an eating disorder and depression, I was raped by a boyfriend, I lost a million dollars, I failed even publicly in all kinds of business ventures, but I am still whole.
Our permission settings
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Well, it’s the same thing for feeling whole. No one can make you feel lack without your agreement. No one can make you feel you’re not beautiful, talented, or worthy of love without your permission.
So, the question I ask of you today which I asked of myself is, why do you continue to give things outside of yourself the authorization to make you feel anything other than whole? What do you gain by continuing to believe that you are not whole as you are in this moment? What would your life look like the second you start living like a person who knows they are whole?
...I believe that even a pair of jeans can help make the world a better place. ...
I can tell you that ever since my birthday when I gave myself that gift of living like a whole person, the first thing I got was a sense of calm. Certain things that used to get under my skin or bugged me, just didn’t any more mainly because I realized what’s the point? Really. All I’m getting is more stress about things that I really have no control over. But what I can control are my perceptions and reactions, and I choose internal peace which again is something that we all have and no one can ever take away unless we let them.
It's time to grow up Dyer style
I love Wayne Dyer’s explanation of growing up. He says something to the affect:
Growing up is not about age, a number on a driver’s license. Growing up is about growing into your higher self.
I love Dyer's perspective because it's about evolving. The reason I reacted to my date’s salad eating chick look about Back in Skinny Jeans was because my subconscious was saying, “Hey Steph! It’s time for us to grow up. We want to grow into our higher self, and that woman no longer has a need to focus on her body or the subject of physical beauty every day.”
My higher self wants to do new things that will help me evolve as a person internally, and help me do more of my life purpose work which is to help people live more authentic lives. My higher self knows that even though our online brand was built around this blog, I am not this blog, and this blog has served us and others well. The spirit of this blog can live on and evolve, and the universe shows me how...you'll see.
Instead of being bikini-ready, I'd like to get higher self-ready
Before the 8-week hiatus, I tried to focus on health and beauty subjects outside of the physical body, and be that voice of reason in a weight loss and youth obsessed media culture. However, doing research for those stories and keeping on top of trends still required me to keep reading all these magazines, sites, blogs and books that constantly perpetuate the beauty myth.
Frankly, I just can’t stand to read it anymore…every day. I find that all that stuff really just leaves me feeling angry or somehow still pulls me back into the self bashing and feeling “not enough.” I no longer want to feed my soul and mind with beauty illusion every day of the year.
But I’m no saint. I admit to enjoying celeb gossip and women’s magazines and sites, but for a profession I no longer want to write about the travesty of things like celebrity cellulite watching, the never ending treadmill of getting “bikini ready”, or how to look hot so you can have a hot sex life.
That beauty myth stuff is what gets the big traffic and page views, and to make revenue with Back in Skinny Jeans, on a daily basis, I would have to keep writing about things I no longer want to have a conversation about.
I decide the future of Back in Skinny Jeans
I would like to pass the torch onto others in the healthy living blog niche, and feel that the higher purpose of Back in Skinny Jeans was really to pave the way for others and to open the doors for those who’d like to use blogging as a means to really challenge and even shatter the beauty myth in the media and our culture.
On that note, I want to retire Back in Skinny Jeans the blog while it is still on top. I will no longer be actively blogging here, but the site will still be alive as the platform for Back in Skinny Jeans the book which will make its debut one day…and soon hopefully. I’m working on it. When I can’t tell you exactly, but the book is coming, and it will be my final performance on the subject of weight loss.
I can tell you that the book has interesting twists on the weight loss subject based on my 3-1/2 years of blogging and personal growth, and there will be stories in the book that I have never shared on the blog, to give readers some new content to look forward to.
And even though Back in Skinny Jeans will no longer be an active blog, the voice of Stephanie Quilao is definitely not leaving the web. Oh no! Here are the details on where I will be on the web. There will be some new things too like me offering for a limited time one-on-one blogger coaching for those in the lifestyle categories who want to take their blog and personal brand to the next level.
And now, I have something I’m thrilled about that will help transition Back in Skinny Jeans into her higher blog self.
It's all good!
I’m pleased to announce Jeans For Good which is a mission for people to let go of their un-used jeans like the skinny and fat jeans, and donate, sell, or auction those jeans for a cause or charity close to your heart. On our favorite theme of how small actions still produce results, I believe that even a pair of jeans can help make the world a better place.
The first mission of Jeans For Good is I am auctioning a pair of my skinny jeans on eBay. 50% of the proceeds are going to Make-A-Wish, a place I spent a year doing volunteer work during my 2-year “mid-life retirement” back in 2002-2004. The other 50% is going to web hosting and maintenance fees for the Jeans For Good site.
At the Jeans For Good site, I have included web buttons and badges for those of you who want to start letting go of your un-used jeans, and to encourage others to do the same. I like to call it the, “get in my pants for a good cause” campaign. As you can see, I can even add zesty humor to do-gooding :-)
Jeans For Good was inspired from the notion that one way I could help people live more authentic lives was to help them let go of the skinny jeans illusion but do it in a way that is also helping to move people into their higher self, and feel good while doing it. And this is a mission that everyone can do and lead on their own. This isn’t about me, it’s about a higher good for all. I’m just getting the ball rolling.
At the same time, as you let go of those skinny jeans you can get yourself some new jeans that fit you in the present. Get jeans that make you feel and look hot as you are today, in this moment, not like in the past or someday, but in the now!
Thank YOU!
Thank you everyone for your readership, your kindness, love, and support through all the 3 years and 8 months here at Back in Skinny Jeans. I have cherished every moment here, and this blog has helped me grow as a person and into the kind of woman I want to be more of. I hope that the blog has helped do the same for you!
And as BISJ parting words, remember, you are whole :-)
xoxo,
Stephanie
I leave you with a song that sums it all up, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Jimmy Cliff here with footage from the move Cool Runnings about the Jamaican bobsled team at the winter Olympics. I love this story because it's more proof to never let the illusion of, "It's not possible" or "People will laugh at me" stop you from going for your dreams and passions.
